I'm sorry, I have to clear some things up. I know that you sent that email with the best of intentions, but I am kind of hurt. I came to you because I wanted support and love. I, bizarrely, thought you might tell me that you were proud of me. That I've come a long way in life. That it will get easier. That I'm strong and it will get better. That it just takes time to make close friends. I didn't want a lecture about what I need to do and how I'm not doing enough. You didn't even ask me any more questions. I didn't really tell you all that much. The most I said though that was negative (because I said that I feel things are getting better and I know they are going to be ok) was that I was wanting to make some friends. I've been here 5 months. I know I wont have real, close friends yet. I engage with tons of people everyday. I am friendly and outgoing, but those aren't tried and true friends. That's what I'm missing. I wish you had asked, or even let me say it.
It hurts again that you mention the military. When have I ever in the entirety of my life shown any desire whatsoever to go into the military? Much less, I thought I had made my feelings on my friend going into the marines clear. And I know that he is unhappy. You don't even think to mention anything else like the wildlife center or volunteering at the zoo or volunteering at a food center, or any of the other many many things I have actually shown interest in. But you jump to the military. That rang out "Jim" to me. I do not agree with many many many things about our government and our governments military. I abhor war and America's self-proclaimed "upholders of peace". If anything, I feel we need massive changes to most policies within government. Also, I'm not religious. I feel like it's been obvious for a while now, but I'm going to state it flatly. I don't believe in god. I have a general belief that I don't know everything and therefore rule out nothing, and in this instance god remains possible. But mostly, I just believe in being kind and helpful and living in as much harmony as possible.
I never said I was sad because of money troubles. AT&T hasn't contacted me. I thought I had taken care of that bill. They probably have an outdated phone number. Thank you for paying though, if you do. If you don't, then I will. That's not a problem. Also, I don't really want money. I hate money. I need it as far as I need it, but I want to work towards not needing money at all. I got my glass straws and I'm cutting out plastic. I'm eating fresher, more organic, local produce. And I do have a career in mind. I want to have the bakery/food cart. Now I'm even more excited because the idea is fleshing out and it's a real possibility. I want it to be totally green and local and organic. I've told you this. It's what I really really want to do. I just know it's not going to happen right now. And even though we struggle, I'm ok waiting for that. And I have wanted this nose ring for at least 5 years. Just because I don't tell you about when I get all my tattoos and piercings doesn't mean that I get them on a whim. Most of them included months if not years of consideration. You think I'm still that little girl. I'm a woman now, mom. I understand that life isn't always easy. And maybe that's what you really did show me here. That I am all those things I wanted you to see that I was.
