Part I - Some Excuses

I am not a great person. I mean well, but I was in survival mode for a long time. Didn't even realize I was in that mode. Then I perpetuated it because I didn't know the skills to do something about it I guess, and I was not good at seeking it out. I was also broke and already existential which is a horrid combination that is barely tolerable, let alone sustainable. But not to digress from the fact that I didn't learn how to leave survival mode....until now. At least I am trying, and it sucks. I'm learning how I've hurt people and I know my friend will say, "But you're doing better now and you can't be at fault for your past." One, I don't know how true that really is like in a legal sense for some things, but two, in order to do better I have to remember how I have hurt people. Like those actions should hang heavy on me, until I'm strong enough to carry it or until it's been dealt with. 

But also that feels martyr-ish. Like "Oh, look at my albatross. I'm so deep because I carry great pain." (I hope you can hear the voice I'm making. Think Mighty Boosh) So then what? Like what if I like to always carry a little pain, in the sense that I'm always working to be a better person. And I don't want other people to try and take that pain away because it's project pain. But also, how healthy is 'project pain' and what can that mean for my relationships? And like do I like to feel a little sad because it gives me a reason to have almost totally unaddressed manic-depressive fluctuations? And this anxiety. I feel like I'm yelling. Is it loud in here?

This is dramatic, but some days I feel like I don't know who I am. Like I have masked when I talk to people for so long. Whatever they liked I liked, or had at least heard of, and then I'd go home and feverishly research until I felt I knew enough to come back and be like, See, told ya I know that thing you were talking about. And like I did like some things but what I lost was my ability to tell people I didn't like something, or to have a differing opinion. I never practiced at school and I didn't feel like I could practice at home. I actually remember feeling like I had figured out some trick to life by appeasing people in this way. From a very young age I remember feeling this way. 

Sometimes I still mirror others so much that my body language will say the exact opposite of what my mind is thinking. And there is a level of self gas-lighting that happens when you live this dual masked life. And when you start trying to unravel what you feel and what you mask it can become confusing. I also think this sometimes can make me a bit more susceptible to outside gas-lighting. So there is a lot of self doubt and self hate that is deeply rooted. Even if you tear out the plant, it still grows. I have gotten better about just saying I don't know what something is though. That was really hard for a long time, admitting that I didn't know something.

But breaking the habit of body language can be hard because those actions are very ingrained and so I am trying to be more present and more aware so I can rewrite habits of lying without words*. Failing so far. My other problem is my mouth and how it just never shuts up. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Heavy healing ✌💜

*Lying without words - Sounds like the title of a memoir or a well written study on social engineering. 

Words For 'Low'

I'm processing some shit lately I had some drama with a guy and he really threw me for a loop. I really liked him but when I realized i was doing the same things i did before and I hadn't taken any time to get the tools I need to handle it...then it all imploded. But all I can do is be better and do better and learn the lessons. I also felt really good that I paid him back the money. He actually sent me a bill. Didn't trust me that much. Really thought I wanted to take advantage of them. And that hurt. That he thought so little of my character as a person. That my word means so little to him. But it made me feel good he had to eat crow a little bit because I really tried to be honest and straightforward. I really thought it would just make sense that I would need time after a breakup. That chilling out for a year and getting to know each other as friends was a good compromise. I didn't think it would be viewed so negatively. I kind of understand why it was shitty to expect that, but I still think he overreacted by thinking I was purposefully trying to hurt him. Or that there was blame to go around. It's like he just couldn't realize that it's not him I don't like. It's his inability to respect my wants. You can't buy someone with love. And he got stuck on thinking considerate to me was giving me what he wanted me to give him not giving me what I ask for. And i really feel like I never got a chance bc he wasn't willing to wait for me. He said he would wait but he didn't and maybe he couldn't. Every few days he was questioning me and my reasons and not believing or trusting me. Forcing me to reaffirm my choice and dig in deeper and because he wasn't willing to compromise with not right now but after ive had some time, we didn't compromise. He was just so sure I wanted to use him and hurt him. I know she hurt him but she is a poor excuse to hurt others and at a certain point she becomes a crutch for bad behavior and a wall to real healing. Anyway enough on that. 

Books I'm reading:

Mind Over Mood

Witch's Book of Self Care 

Silence in the Age of Noise (just finished. Really great book)

I've been doing my daily reading. I do go paddle board like every other weekend. I have also been going to the climbing gym about once a week. I do still ride my bike into work, though I do get rides more often lately. That won't last forever though. I'm working on finding my inner peace. Because I require a fair amount of solitude, but I can't just always have that. So I've been learning skills and tools to use in the moment. And practicing meditation and breathing. I've never really been good at that so I'm excited to get better at it. 

I cleaned out all the rest of my exes stuff from my bookcases. It felt good. Less clutter. I can see my trinkets better. And I tossed some old cat pillows and the cat tower because they don't use them anymore and they were pretty gross. 

Yea, so, I'm doing ok in some ways but all that drama really was a pretty big bummer. 

Going hiking at Silver Falls tomorrow. It should be really nice. I'm gonna try and say a mantra at each of the falls. 

Time for bed. 

💚✌️

Nah, Fuck That Shh

So, I decided that I am going to keep this site going, if for no one but myself. I've recently started a new chapter in my life, and maybe it will lend to more thoughts to share that aren't really what I'm doing on Patreon. Over there, I am doing more official writing, like stories and poetry and a little bit of art. Here, on this page, will be my free thoughts. I hope you join me. 

So, it begins. 

I'm going to therapy about my anxiety. I haven't started yet, I suppose, but I have my first appt on Friday. I actually was supposed to have it last Friday, but she cancelled at the last minute. 

I just wrote and erased a bunch of stuff because I am still letting go for myself. I have thoughts that start and then I get into the telling of it and I realize its not really that good. Writing anything at all is a step. It's practice. I have been putting some practice into writing stories of fiction, and I do plan to continue that. I want to put more time into my personal non-fiction as well. While getting any work of print published is always a dream, to have both a fiction and a non-fiction book would be amazing. So, I'll just keep to my scribblings. Keep my fingers warm and ready. Try to clear my mind of worry so I can ponder the evermore. Oo, The Evermore. That's a place somewhere. 

My Current Goals: 

Look for a DnD group
Read one chapter a day
Do daily writing exercises 
Paddle board on Sundays

I'm Moving!

Thanks for coming to check out my page! 

There are many years of poetry and posts for your perusal. However, I am no longer posting new content on this site. 

I have moved all new creations over to my Patreon. You can find me at:  Patreon.com/TympanicPublications 

Hope to see you there!

Sept 4, 2014

Can't speak--

Not a whimper, not a whisper;

so much to say in this stagnant State 

but nothing important. 

Dark circles Dark eyes Black hair

Sith Priestess, is there such a thing?

Suffocating power wringing the life out of me. 

My thoughts are nothing, words and words and words. I want to say something but find myself at a loss. I want to relay this feeling, this need, this pain. I want to make it clear, connect with your innermost calamities. This word "poet" "artistic", all frivolous? What is a writer that doesn't write? I dip my pen in all the inks, they do not flow. They only scratch and tear the paper. Perhaps better to say nothing.  I don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I am. I have an amazing boyfriend, who I'm not sure I deserve. I want to give and feel hollow. I feel disappointing, depressing, boring, pathetic and unworthy. I worry I'm not interesting enough to live a life with. I think about my life and I feel so detached. Who am I? Who was I? Am I still who I was or do I just play games? Does that even make sense? I like to travel. But it's not like I ever do. Am I just my father? Always wanting, never doing. They call me antisocial. What I once took as being independent, selective and quirky now seems like a scarlet letter. One more mark on my character alongside pride, vanity, stubbornness. 

it's that's time of year again

I guess the holidays always get me thinking. It starts around my birthday and lasts the rest of the year. Just turned 34. Not sure what that even means or why. Been trying to learn more things and read more and workout when I feel up to it. My anxiety meds just got bumped up to 100mg. It helps in some ways but not at all in others. I often daydream about going off grid into the wild style. Been learning about preserving and growing a home garden and watching lots of videos and reading about country living. Finding land that's affordable is next to impossible but i look regularly. Might have to leave the pnw to find something in the range of broke ass. I got things I want to complain about but I know they are just me dragging my feet and I got no right to complain about my own procrastination like its someone else's fault. 

Love Over Trauma

Sometimes you'll say things and do things that you don't realize you'll regret for a long time. It'll feel really justified in the moment and right but it's still a reaction and projection of larger issues not dealt with. 

I had a friend, a best friend, a best of best friends in high-school. We didn't go to the same school but we had a lot of church activities we did together. I didn't stay church going while I was in college, but we rekindled our friendship when I came home regardless and spent a lot of time together. She introduced me to a boy, and due to a very bad practical joke this caused some drama with her future Mister. I told myself it was over the line and not okay. I told myself that she had changed if she thought it was funny like he did. But really I think I was projecting my own loss of trust with friends because of a sexual assault I suffered right at the end of my college career. Even that, some days, I wonder about. Was I in the wrong? 

So, my friend and I had a tense and awkward "breakup" where even money was exchanged and I didn't feel like she wanted to know me or care for me and I was almost instantly done because again I had totally unaddressed trauma that I was suppressing and projecting onto this situation. I had become less understanding and forgiving, because the person who assaulted me also was one of my closest friends in college. I didn't even want to act like this college betrayal had affected me. Even when she reached out to me after the loss of a parent, I remained closed off and blocked up and didn't really show love. I wasted the opportunity to rekindle that friendship. I abandoned her.

I look back on so many moments and see now how I didn't see then. I see how I was shallow and vapid and disassociated and willfully ignorant of myself. I actively pushed people away and kept them at arms length because I think somewhere in my subconscious I had convinced myself that friends are not really trustworthy. When I think the reality is actually the opposite. But I didn't uphold my end of the friendship. I didn't stay present and forgiving and understanding and loving. I became cold and hard and distant. Even when I moved out of the area, I had people who wanted to get close to me but I had an almost visceral reaction to the words "best friend." I thought it was just that person who was too intense for me, but really I think I pushed them away because of my unresolved feelings about the best friend I had just recently lost. The words had become tainted to me and people who used them were untrustworthy. When that's not really true.

It's harder for adults to make friends, and I think this is due to trauma. So it's important to maintain those friendships from childhood. Stay open and loving. It took me a long time to even recognize these things about myself. I'm 33 and just now it's clicking in that I haven't been pulling my friendship weight, maybe for my whole life. I do think it boils down to trauma, but I don't see that as an excuse. It's something to be aware of and to combat. Trauma shows itself in so many ways. Sometimes it's really obvious, but sometimes it's really really not. We all have trauma. It's an emotional bellybutton. But it doesn't have to rule you, and if you work to not be reactionary but purposeful and considerate of why you feel certain things then I do think trauma can be, at least, controlled. 

If I have to sum it up, it's straightforward but not simple:  Reach out to those people in your life who you care about. Make an effort because it takes effort. Life and friends and happiness don't just happen to people, they have to be accepted and appreciated and cherished. It's OK to have trauma, in fact it's totally normal and expected because life is hard and confusing, but don't let your trauma push away the love in your life. Because then all you'll have to hold onto is that trauma and trauma doesn't love you. Trauma doesn't make you stronger but love does.