Words For 'Low'

I'm processing some shit lately I had some drama with a guy and he really threw me for a loop. I really liked him but when I realized i was doing the same things i did before and I hadn't taken any time to get the tools I need to handle it...then it all imploded. But all I can do is be better and do better and learn the lessons. I also felt really good that I paid him back the money. He actually sent me a bill. Didn't trust me that much. Really thought I wanted to take advantage of them. And that hurt. That he thought so little of my character as a person. That my word means so little to him. But it made me feel good he had to eat crow a little bit because I really tried to be honest and straightforward. I really thought it would just make sense that I would need time after a breakup. That chilling out for a year and getting to know each other as friends was a good compromise. I didn't think it would be viewed so negatively. I kind of understand why it was shitty to expect that, but I still think he overreacted by thinking I was purposefully trying to hurt him. Or that there was blame to go around. It's like he just couldn't realize that it's not him I don't like. It's his inability to respect my wants. You can't buy someone with love. And he got stuck on thinking considerate to me was giving me what he wanted me to give him not giving me what I ask for. And i really feel like I never got a chance bc he wasn't willing to wait for me. He said he would wait but he didn't and maybe he couldn't. Every few days he was questioning me and my reasons and not believing or trusting me. Forcing me to reaffirm my choice and dig in deeper and because he wasn't willing to compromise with not right now but after ive had some time, we didn't compromise. He was just so sure I wanted to use him and hurt him. I know she hurt him but she is a poor excuse to hurt others and at a certain point she becomes a crutch for bad behavior and a wall to real healing. Anyway enough on that. 

Books I'm reading:

Mind Over Mood

Witch's Book of Self Care 

Silence in the Age of Noise (just finished. Really great book)

I've been doing my daily reading. I do go paddle board like every other weekend. I have also been going to the climbing gym about once a week. I do still ride my bike into work, though I do get rides more often lately. That won't last forever though. I'm working on finding my inner peace. Because I require a fair amount of solitude, but I can't just always have that. So I've been learning skills and tools to use in the moment. And practicing meditation and breathing. I've never really been good at that so I'm excited to get better at it. 

I cleaned out all the rest of my exes stuff from my bookcases. It felt good. Less clutter. I can see my trinkets better. And I tossed some old cat pillows and the cat tower because they don't use them anymore and they were pretty gross. 

Yea, so, I'm doing ok in some ways but all that drama really was a pretty big bummer. 

Going hiking at Silver Falls tomorrow. It should be really nice. I'm gonna try and say a mantra at each of the falls. 

Time for bed. 

💚✌️