It's such a beautiful day. Fall is just starting to set in over the Pacific Northwest. I find I never have enough time in the day to just sit and enjoy the weather. I have the next two days off though and I got a new book from a friend, as well as a short story about one of my favorite game series, and I intend to sit somewhere quiet, with the sounds of the breeze and the peace of the day and just read for at least an hour. Its a very good chance I will read for longer but at least one hour.
I try to evenly spread out my outlets. I like to read and write and draw and game, and sometimes I feel like I need to do those things religiously to be a person who does them or to be any good at it. Like I cant call myself a gamer or an artist if I don't have some schedule or make money with it. But really I'm not any of those things anyway. I am a person/human and those things are my interests, they don't define me and I am not less than if I choose not to pursue them for a while. Now-days I'm trying to remind myself of this and keep mindful of the fact that there is no set standard on creation or relaxation. It's different from person to person and can fluctuate over time. I try not to over do it either. I find if I try to draw a thing once a week that that is healthy for me. If I get really into something and wanna give it another day or two that's fine but if I do too much more then I find myself neglecting other things like sleep and exercise. Its all about balance for me right now. Trying to be aware of what I'm doing, what my soul needs, and how much time and energy I give things. The concept that even though I may want to (or feel like I must) give energy to something-- that doesn't mean I have to or should.
Things like work can be a huge energy suck and its often things that are out of my control. I'm trying to speak up for myself but also be prepared for things to not go how I imagine. Its easy to let coworkers or bosses get on my nerves but it's not helpful. Especially when there is a change in staff in a small company. I find doing my best, and learning what I can, to be helpful for my mental state. I'm also ready for the worst. I'm gonna be looking around and updating my resume and progressing in that sense so that if the worst happens I'm not having to scramble to find a basket for my eggs.
I'm trying to take deeper breaths. Talk less. Let myself be places on time instead of early. Hug my boyfriend longer. Kiss him more often. Forgive myself. Not forget to remember what is important to me and put that first. Resist the urge to judge myself. Remind myself of all the things I do for my loved ones around me. Remember that its OK to be uniquely me.
Mav
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Thursday, September 12, 2019
My Hashtag
Feels really good to delete my twitter off my phone and not have to worry about it anymore. Feels as good as deleting my Facebook. Both still exist, I just turned all notifications off and deleted the apps. I just dont need that crap in my life. I wanna wake up and just get through my day and come home to my loving partner. I keep my notepad handy and take down notes for my blog now. My goal is to start blogging and creating more again and stop comparing myself or constantly "gathering ideas", which is just another way I judged myself. Basically I got a lot of self hate that I wanna break down. It's gonna get personal up in here.
Day one at work with no twitter was good. Only gets easier after that. I actually feel lighter and less anxious. I feel like I spent so much time looking at what other people were doing and being jealous or astounded or upset that I didnt spend hardly any time with my own organic thoughts. I brought a book to read on my lunch since I wouldn't have my nose in my phone the whole time. I feel like I'm more able to just be concerned with what I want to do instead of what I feel like I'm not getting to do.
Of course I also used twitter as an outlet. I had become increasingly negative in my comments. I was feeling negatively all the time, fueled by my dismay about the world and the actions of the people on it. Much of which makes no sense to me. Frankly, even outside the world at large there is a lot of personal drama spewed on social media. Business bleeds into personal life. Things get sprayed around abstractly in front of friends and strangers alike instead of discussed. But in the end, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself. So I know what my goals are, why am I wasting time comparing them to everyone else's? Just act how you feel people should act and stop fretting over the state of the world at large and whatever impending doom may be. That's what I tried to tell myself before while constantly taking in the judgemental and combative content of social media. Now without Facebook or Twitter in my life I feel like thats actually starting to take shape again for me.
Naturally when I stop expressing myself, suddenly I have all these pithy, funny quips come to mind. I have opinions and I feel more confident and I think to pull out my phone and post and then I dont have that, buy I'm trying to look at it positively. That little thought that was funny or interesting, if its enough of either then I'm at least texting my partner and otherwise its a nugget of happiness just for me. Like, its ok to think things just for myself. To make jokes for myself. I dont HAVE to share my humor with other people to appreciate it. I can appreciate me without anyone elses opinion, good or bad. Then I think, like, "Why wasn't I able to be this funny before?" Well I think its because I was stress. I embodied stress and took on other peoples stress as my own.
Releasing Twitter has been freeing. I was ready to leave the nest, I suppose. I've even put Instagram on the back burner. (Why do we spend so much time perfecting these things while so many other more important things fall through the cracks?) Im really looking forward to regularly blogging again. I think the writing will be good for me. I think the introspection will be good for me. My 30th cycle will be my most present yet. I hope that writing this inspires me and while I'm posting this publicly on the internet, I dont expect any following. If this does reach you, I hope you are inspired too.
Namaste
Mav
Day one at work with no twitter was good. Only gets easier after that. I actually feel lighter and less anxious. I feel like I spent so much time looking at what other people were doing and being jealous or astounded or upset that I didnt spend hardly any time with my own organic thoughts. I brought a book to read on my lunch since I wouldn't have my nose in my phone the whole time. I feel like I'm more able to just be concerned with what I want to do instead of what I feel like I'm not getting to do.
Of course I also used twitter as an outlet. I had become increasingly negative in my comments. I was feeling negatively all the time, fueled by my dismay about the world and the actions of the people on it. Much of which makes no sense to me. Frankly, even outside the world at large there is a lot of personal drama spewed on social media. Business bleeds into personal life. Things get sprayed around abstractly in front of friends and strangers alike instead of discussed. But in the end, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself. So I know what my goals are, why am I wasting time comparing them to everyone else's? Just act how you feel people should act and stop fretting over the state of the world at large and whatever impending doom may be. That's what I tried to tell myself before while constantly taking in the judgemental and combative content of social media. Now without Facebook or Twitter in my life I feel like thats actually starting to take shape again for me.
Naturally when I stop expressing myself, suddenly I have all these pithy, funny quips come to mind. I have opinions and I feel more confident and I think to pull out my phone and post and then I dont have that, buy I'm trying to look at it positively. That little thought that was funny or interesting, if its enough of either then I'm at least texting my partner and otherwise its a nugget of happiness just for me. Like, its ok to think things just for myself. To make jokes for myself. I dont HAVE to share my humor with other people to appreciate it. I can appreciate me without anyone elses opinion, good or bad. Then I think, like, "Why wasn't I able to be this funny before?" Well I think its because I was stress. I embodied stress and took on other peoples stress as my own.
Releasing Twitter has been freeing. I was ready to leave the nest, I suppose. I've even put Instagram on the back burner. (Why do we spend so much time perfecting these things while so many other more important things fall through the cracks?) Im really looking forward to regularly blogging again. I think the writing will be good for me. I think the introspection will be good for me. My 30th cycle will be my most present yet. I hope that writing this inspires me and while I'm posting this publicly on the internet, I dont expect any following. If this does reach you, I hope you are inspired too.
Namaste
Mav
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Listening to myself
Do you ever think about your voice? About how you sound? Are you a singer? Or a preacher? Do you listen you yourself replayed a lot? Home movies maybe but like current and recent. I couldn't stand listening to myself replayed for a long time because my voice on a recording sounds different to me than I do when I talk in real life. It sounded too weird to me. I dont mind it now. I dont really know what changed it but I hadnt listened to myself in a long time and I just started making instas of me well mostly singing. And I found that I was able to more appreciate my voice. I think I was also jealous of my sister's beautiful voice and afraid my voice wouldn't live up to it.
Also speech is weird. Why is speech ee and peach is ea?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)