My Hashtag

Feels really good to delete my twitter off my phone and not have to worry about it anymore. Feels as good as deleting my Facebook. Both still exist, I just turned all notifications off and deleted the apps. I just dont need that crap in my life. I wanna wake up and just get through my day and come home to my loving partner. I keep my notepad handy and take down notes for my blog now. My goal is to start blogging and creating more again and stop comparing myself or constantly "gathering ideas", which is just another way I judged myself. Basically I got a lot of self hate that I wanna break down. It's gonna get personal up in here.

Day one at work with no twitter was good. Only gets easier after that. I actually feel lighter and less anxious. I feel like I spent so much time looking at what other people were doing and being jealous or astounded or upset that I didnt spend hardly any time with my own organic thoughts. I brought a book to read on my lunch since I wouldn't have my nose in my phone the whole time. I feel like I'm more able to just be concerned with what I want to do instead of what I feel like I'm not getting to do.

Of course I also used twitter as an outlet. I had become increasingly negative in my comments. I was feeling negatively all the time, fueled by my dismay about the world and the actions of the people on it. Much of which makes no sense to me. Frankly, even outside the world at large there is a lot of personal drama spewed on social media. Business bleeds into personal life. Things get sprayed around abstractly in front of friends and strangers alike instead of discussed. But in the end, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself. So I know what my goals are, why am I wasting time comparing them to everyone else's? Just act how you feel people should act and stop fretting over the state of the world at large and whatever impending doom may be. That's what I tried to tell myself before while constantly taking in the judgemental and combative content of social media. Now without Facebook or Twitter in my life I feel like thats actually starting to take shape again for me.

Naturally when I stop expressing myself, suddenly I have all these pithy, funny quips come to mind. I have opinions and I feel more confident and I think to pull out my phone and post and then I dont have that, buy I'm trying to look at it positively. That little thought that was funny or interesting, if its enough of either then I'm at least texting my partner and otherwise its a nugget of happiness just for me. Like, its ok to think things just for myself. To make jokes for myself. I dont HAVE to share my humor with other people to appreciate it. I can appreciate me without anyone elses opinion, good or bad. Then I think, like, "Why wasn't I able to be this funny before?" Well I think its because I was stress. I embodied stress and took on other peoples stress as my own.

Releasing Twitter has been freeing. I was ready to leave the nest, I suppose. I've even put Instagram on the back burner. (Why do we spend so much time perfecting these things while so many other more important things fall through the cracks?) Im really looking forward to regularly blogging again. I think the writing will be good for me. I think the introspection will be good for me. My 30th cycle will be my most present yet. I hope that writing this inspires me and while I'm posting this publicly on the internet, I dont expect any following. If this does reach you, I hope you are inspired too.

Namaste
Mav