I am not a great person. I mean well, but I was in survival mode for a long time. Didn't even realize I was in that mode. Then I perpetuated it because I didn't know the skills to do something about it I guess, and I was not good at seeking it out. I was also broke and already existential which is a horrid combination that is barely tolerable, let alone sustainable. But not to digress from the fact that I didn't learn how to leave survival mode....until now. At least I am trying, and it sucks. I'm learning how I've hurt people and I know my friend will say, "But you're doing better now and you can't be at fault for your past." One, I don't know how true that really is like in a legal sense for some things, but two, in order to do better I have to remember how I have hurt people. Like those actions should hang heavy on me, until I'm strong enough to carry it or until it's been dealt with.
But also that feels martyr-ish. Like "Oh, look at my albatross. I'm so deep because I carry great pain." (I hope you can hear the voice I'm making. Think Mighty Boosh) So then what? Like what if I like to always carry a little pain, in the sense that I'm always working to be a better person. And I don't want other people to try and take that pain away because it's project pain. But also, how healthy is 'project pain' and what can that mean for my relationships? And like do I like to feel a little sad because it gives me a reason to have almost totally unaddressed manic-depressive fluctuations? And this anxiety. I feel like I'm yelling. Is it loud in here?
This is dramatic, but some days I feel like I don't know who I am. Like I have masked when I talk to people for so long. Whatever they liked I liked, or had at least heard of, and then I'd go home and feverishly research until I felt I knew enough to come back and be like, See, told ya I know that thing you were talking about. And like I did like some things but what I lost was my ability to tell people I didn't like something, or to have a differing opinion. I never practiced at school and I didn't feel like I could practice at home. I actually remember feeling like I had figured out some trick to life by appeasing people in this way. From a very young age I remember feeling this way.
Sometimes I still mirror others so much that my body language will say the exact opposite of what my mind is thinking. And there is a level of self gas-lighting that happens when you live this dual masked life. And when you start trying to unravel what you feel and what you mask it can become confusing. I also think this sometimes can make me a bit more susceptible to outside gas-lighting. So there is a lot of self doubt and self hate that is deeply rooted. Even if you tear out the plant, it still grows. I have gotten better about just saying I don't know what something is though. That was really hard for a long time, admitting that I didn't know something.
But breaking the habit of body language can be hard because those actions are very ingrained and so I am trying to be more present and more aware so I can rewrite habits of lying without words*. Failing so far. My other problem is my mouth and how it just never shuts up.
Anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Heavy healing ✌💜
*Lying without words - Sounds like the title of a memoir or a well written study on social engineering.
