This may be the most depressed I've ever been. 

I don't feel like I have words. I can't see any value in myself. I don't feel like I have anything to share. 

Feeling like I want to just disappear and that that would just be better. 

*shrug* 

Later.

Something happened at work...

This is a free-flowing, stream-of-conscious post. Buckle up. 

So there is this older guy, I think he is in his 60s, at work who putters through the stockroom like once a day to throw some shit away. And as he passes by he will stop by and chat for a couple minutes, usually about benign but weird shit, then he leaves. Well, he came up to me right at the end of the day and says hi as I'm walking by to go complete a task. I'm carrying parts in my hands. And he steps in close and is like, "can I ask you a question?" and I'm like "yea, what's up?" and I'm totally expecting like some sort of gossip situation or for him to ask if I'm dating my ex, whom I work with, because he gives me rides to work, but no he is like "would you want to go to dinner with me sometime?" and my mind and body immediately flip. Nothing thus far has implied that we might be close enough to go to dinner and he is like old. He has a full head of gray hair and is wrinkly and like at least 25 years older than me. And like I've been friends with older people but the way he asked it didn't feel like that. it felt like he was asking me on a fucking date. and my survival southern brain that screams appease appease appease was suddenly yelling run run run run run run run run run run run runrunrunrun and I heard myself go "uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh like just hang out?" and he's like "yea" and then I hear myself go "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhmmmmmmm ok, sure." and then I just stand there and he's like "we can exchange information tomorrow." and I'm like "ok." and like he leaves and I immediately go and finish the thing I was doing because like I said, I was holding parts in my hand because I was in the bloody middle of a damn task, and when I do that I immediately went and told my younger coworker who started at the same time as me and she was like "oh I don't like him. he makes me uncomfortable. One time he like pinned me against my desk with his cart and made the joke 'oh you're pinned' and it really made me uncomfortable. and another time he like put his hand on the small of my back and it creeped me out." and I was like omg this guy is gross gross, but she didn't say anything other than omg that's so uncomfortable and obviously agreed that the very next time I see him I'm going to say sorry I was caught off guard, I'm actually not comfortable giving you my number or going to dinner with you. But even though I had my plan to tell him first thing next time I saw him, I went and asked my other coworker who is older and has worked there for several years about him. I asked if she knew him very well and told her what happened. Her response was, "lets go see if our manager is in his office" and she walked with me to go see him. he wasn't in his office, but on the way she told me that him doing this isnt like a typical thing he does, he isn't just a friendly old man, that this was super inappropriate and that I should send an email to our manager since he wasn't there and that I should do whatever I have to do to get out of the situation right away. I will say it was interesting how the younger and older generation handled it. My coworker ten years my junior was willing to brush it off, but my coworker 20 years my senior was like lets immediately go to higher ups because this isn't ok. and then me in the middle, halfway between brushing it off and going to my manager. Glad I had my older coworker to support me in my journey. But it really rocked me and I felt so stupid for freezing, for not just saying no, for not being less of a wimp and this all happened in front of everyone. literally right in the middle of the stockroom. I felt so naked and exposed. it triggered my fight or flight so hard I think I have whiplash. I did email my manager with an explanation of what happened and just my current feels and thoughts. It was raw bc it was less than 30 minutes since it happened. I know he will be appalled. I can almost see him reading the email getting red in the face and gasping with his mouth open. He's like the most amazing boss that ever bossed. No one ever says that, or they never mean it but I really do! He is a gift amongst managers and a hero amongst men. I hope he gets back to me ASAP so I can talk to him tomorrow. I really wanted to talk to him in person today but couldn't. My ex gave me a ride home and I told him about it, and he told me that I was right to do what I did and that I shouldn't feel bad or mixed up because he put me in a super skeevy, uncomfortable situation. And he reminded me, and I want to remind any of you out there, that his intention is not what he did wrong but that he put me in that position in the middle of work in the middle of the room in the middle of my coworkers in the middle of me doing a job which is inappropriate. He was not working and was not asking me a work related question and then the question made me uncomfortable and I was not sure of his intentions and that's what makes it a violation. I guess I just needed to voice it all, because it sucks and I want to disappear. And I was doing good like trying to be friendly and put myself out there. Attracted who I didn't want. There is a cute guy who works in the room next to the stockroom, and I can't get him to look my way at all, but this gross old man has the gall to ask me to dinner. Like wtf? Whatever, I'm just going to hide deep in the aisles tomorrow and go outside when I can. And I'm going to avoid him like the plague now. If I report him to HR, he will probably get fired, because he's been reported before. So, he could be gone for good. And I hate having that power, but I hate that he makes me feel like I should use it. The fact that its not just me, that he makes other women I work with uncomfortable. Maybe I'll look stupid, or maybe people who don't get the whole story will think maybe I did go to dinner with him, but if he's gone and he can't keep touching women or pinning them with carts then that's a win. My ex said, "too much old blood at this company anyway." He's not wrong. 

Stay safe, babes

Word Vomit

Today was hard, emotionally. I find myself going through these ups and downs. Like last night, I felt good. I was daydreaming about teaching and how I would get the kids engaged. And, like, I felt like I was going the right way. Then today I was down, man. Like, I really felt like a waste of space. I'm doing better now, and I did ok at work for the most part. I cried some in the bathroom. Which I'm fine with because like, y'all, I'm crying again. I haven't been doing that for like 3+ years! And like, I hurt, and it sucks, but the episodes are shorter. My self worth has always sucked but it has plummeted over the last couple months. I don't think I've been quite this depressed in years and years. Taking any victory. 

I got on a some dating sites. Hated it. Felt so forced and awkward. I also just don't think I'm ready for that still. I have self loathing to the point of self sabotage of anything anyway. Literally talked to one dude, then deleted the app before replying to his message. Not specifically because of him, but like come on, he was cute and I just was not there for it. I think that says a lot. Trying to not feel bad. He lives around here. I'll just be cool and sorry if he see me. Like see that's what so shitty is now I feel bad after sending one flipping message. Like I've taken some damn oath and that I shouldn't even engage unless I want to get married. It's exhausting pushing through that. Took me like two weeks to come up with the 'openers' so they can just answer a question and you don't have to talk first. Barf. It all just felt so barfy and honestly just made me feel shittier. I could feel myself disassociating. I felt pretentious sharing myself and I felt like because I'm all broken and stupid that I shouldn't even be there. It's so hard to tell who someone is through a photo. And I hate photos of myself because I don't like how I look. and all these things also made me just say fuck it. Deleted all the apps.

Got my debts paid through my mom's husband. Now I will pay him back at a manageable interest rate instead. It's good. I have T minus 11 months until he says he is going to start collecting. They are requiring me to have so much in savings. It's nice. It's stressful, but it's good. It triggers all my self worth issues with my mom, and it's fine. I'm glad. Just so totally glad. And while I can't express any of my sadness or feelings to my mom about anything, I am incredibly grateful that she is financially supportive. She said she wanted to get me a car, but then I asked her if she liked me or just who she thought I could be because shes never just like there for me or supportive of my plan and shes always telling me how to do more. And like yea, I was sad and I felt alone and I felt hurt and I felt like she doesn't like me because she doesn't reach out to me and honestly shes just way more pragmatic than me. Anyway, she told me that I was closed minded for taking it personally. And she said a bunch of other stuff about not trying to control my life, which wasn't what I was talking about, and I could tell that she just got offended. And I said Im not closed minded, I'm having feelings and I said I was sorry and that it hurt that she called me closed minded instead of wondering about my well being at all. If my friend had sent me that text I'd have been concerned. And it told me that she doesn't like me. She loves me. I'm not saying she doesn't, but liking someone is different. And she doesn't like me and I guess I don't really like her. But it doesn't make the whole situation hurt less. I'm sure she will still get me a car, and I can just drive my guilt around all the time.

Bleh. I've talked too much about the crappy stuff. I think I have at least a couple ok things to mention. 

Ummm....I almost climbed a 3 at the gym on Sunday. I was only like 2 hand holds away. So that was pretty cool. It did feel really good. I think I can finish it next time. 

Idk, gonna try and go on a hike this Saturday. It's my last Saturday off before I start my new schedule of Tues-Sat. Gonna try again to incorporate like healing into it or some shit. idk go lay in the moss and let it consume me. 

I will say - I haven't been keeping up super diligently with politics and the news. It's just too much for me in a lot of ways. I just can't even give it any energy. I'm too dead. But I did feel some conflict about the death of Charlie Kirk.

Now, I don't want this to be the America that we have to live in. I don't want this to be how we answer problems. This is a statement, maybe, but it is not and will never be a solution. But I also understand when people feel pushed and cornered and like their back is against the wall, that they will do anything. 

Second though, I think this is 100% the way that Kirk wanted to die. Like, I know no one really wants to die by gun violence, but the man literally stood upon essentially pulpits and preached that this was a necessary consequence to the liberty of gun ownership. Its like that guy who hung out with bears and then one day the bears killed him....yea. Like, was it horrific? Yes. Are there two children out there without a father now? Yes. But thousands of children are left without parents by guns every year. This is what he said was necessary. He gets to be a martyr for his favorite cause. 

My third comment is that this is getting touted very heavily as political violence, and it is, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, is lets not forget what else is political violence. For example - a govt allowing there to be starving people when there is enough food for all, denying healthcare, denying shelter but making having no shelter illegal, increasing the budget of the police and giving them unchecked power, dismantling the FDA and washing out science for conspiracy, etc. This is not the first act of political violence and it is far from being one of the most egregious actions of political violence taken in the recent months. It's easy to be mad about a popular white guy in everyone's face. But be mad about the veterans who don't get healthcare because they are seen as DEI, which Kirk and people like him didn't believe in. Be mad about the kid who died at Evergreen High School today by shooting himself because we protect the rights of owning guns more than we protect the right to mental healthcare or the right to be safe from guns. I just think being mad about Kirk today and not mad about all the other things is performative and short sighted. This is what happens when a pendulum swings.

Part I - Some Excuses

I am not a great person. I mean well, but I was in survival mode for a long time. Didn't even realize I was in that mode. Then I perpetuated it because I didn't know the skills to do something about it I guess, and I was not good at seeking it out. I was also broke and already existential which is a horrid combination that is barely tolerable, let alone sustainable. But not to digress from the fact that I didn't learn how to leave survival mode....until now. At least I am trying, and it sucks. I'm learning how I've hurt people and I know my friend will say, "But you're doing better now and you can't be at fault for your past." One, I don't know how true that really is like in a legal sense for some things, but two, in order to do better I have to remember how I have hurt people. Like those actions should hang heavy on me, until I'm strong enough to carry it or until it's been dealt with. 

But also that feels martyr-ish. Like "Oh, look at my albatross. I'm so deep because I carry great pain." (I hope you can hear the voice I'm making. Think Mighty Boosh) So then what? Like what if I like to always carry a little pain, in the sense that I'm always working to be a better person. And I don't want other people to try and take that pain away because it's project pain. But also, how healthy is 'project pain' and what can that mean for my relationships? And like do I like to feel a little sad because it gives me a reason to have almost totally unaddressed manic-depressive fluctuations? And this anxiety. I feel like I'm yelling. Is it loud in here?

This is dramatic, but some days I feel like I don't know who I am. Like I have masked when I talk to people for so long. Whatever they liked I liked, or had at least heard of, and then I'd go home and feverishly research until I felt I knew enough to come back and be like, See, told ya I know that thing you were talking about. And like I did like some things but what I lost was my ability to tell people I didn't like something, or to have a differing opinion. I never practiced at school and I didn't feel like I could practice at home. I actually remember feeling like I had figured out some trick to life by appeasing people in this way. From a very young age I remember feeling this way. 

Sometimes I still mirror others so much that my body language will say the exact opposite of what my mind is thinking. And there is a level of self gas-lighting that happens when you live this dual masked life. And when you start trying to unravel what you feel and what you mask it can become confusing. I also think this sometimes can make me a bit more susceptible to outside gas-lighting. So there is a lot of self doubt and self hate that is deeply rooted. Even if you tear out the plant, it still grows. I have gotten better about just saying I don't know what something is though. That was really hard for a long time, admitting that I didn't know something.

But breaking the habit of body language can be hard because those actions are very ingrained and so I am trying to be more present and more aware so I can rewrite habits of lying without words*. Failing so far. My other problem is my mouth and how it just never shuts up. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Heavy healing ✌💜

*Lying without words - Sounds like the title of a memoir or a well written study on social engineering. 

Words For 'Low'

I'm processing some shit lately I had some drama with a guy and he really threw me for a loop. I really liked him but when I realized i was doing the same things i did before and I hadn't taken any time to get the tools I need to handle it...then it all imploded. But all I can do is be better and do better and learn the lessons. I also felt really good that I paid him back the money. He actually sent me a bill. Didn't trust me that much. Really thought I wanted to take advantage of them. And that hurt. That he thought so little of my character as a person. That my word means so little to him. But it made me feel good he had to eat crow a little bit because I really tried to be honest and straightforward. I really thought it would just make sense that I would need time after a breakup. That chilling out for a year and getting to know each other as friends was a good compromise. I didn't think it would be viewed so negatively. I kind of understand why it was shitty to expect that, but I still think he overreacted by thinking I was purposefully trying to hurt him. Or that there was blame to go around. It's like he just couldn't realize that it's not him I don't like. It's his inability to respect my wants. You can't buy someone with love. And he got stuck on thinking considerate to me was giving me what he wanted me to give him not giving me what I ask for. And i really feel like I never got a chance bc he wasn't willing to wait for me. He said he would wait but he didn't and maybe he couldn't. Every few days he was questioning me and my reasons and not believing or trusting me. Forcing me to reaffirm my choice and dig in deeper and because he wasn't willing to compromise with not right now but after ive had some time, we didn't compromise. He was just so sure I wanted to use him and hurt him. I know she hurt him but she is a poor excuse to hurt others and at a certain point she becomes a crutch for bad behavior and a wall to real healing. Anyway enough on that. 

Books I'm reading:

Mind Over Mood

Witch's Book of Self Care 

Silence in the Age of Noise (just finished. Really great book)

I've been doing my daily reading. I do go paddle board like every other weekend. I have also been going to the climbing gym about once a week. I do still ride my bike into work, though I do get rides more often lately. That won't last forever though. I'm working on finding my inner peace. Because I require a fair amount of solitude, but I can't just always have that. So I've been learning skills and tools to use in the moment. And practicing meditation and breathing. I've never really been good at that so I'm excited to get better at it. 

I cleaned out all the rest of my exes stuff from my bookcases. It felt good. Less clutter. I can see my trinkets better. And I tossed some old cat pillows and the cat tower because they don't use them anymore and they were pretty gross. 

Yea, so, I'm doing ok in some ways but all that drama really was a pretty big bummer. 

Going hiking at Silver Falls tomorrow. It should be really nice. I'm gonna try and say a mantra at each of the falls. 

Time for bed. 

💚✌️

Nah, Fuck That Shh

So, I decided that I am going to keep this site going, if for no one but myself. I've recently started a new chapter in my life, and maybe it will lend to more thoughts to share that aren't really what I'm doing on Patreon. Over there, I am doing more official writing, like stories and poetry and a little bit of art. Here, on this page, will be my free thoughts. I hope you join me. 

So, it begins. 

I'm going to therapy about my anxiety. I haven't started yet, I suppose, but I have my first appt on Friday. I actually was supposed to have it last Friday, but she cancelled at the last minute. 

I just wrote and erased a bunch of stuff because I am still letting go for myself. I have thoughts that start and then I get into the telling of it and I realize its not really that good. Writing anything at all is a step. It's practice. I have been putting some practice into writing stories of fiction, and I do plan to continue that. I want to put more time into my personal non-fiction as well. While getting any work of print published is always a dream, to have both a fiction and a non-fiction book would be amazing. So, I'll just keep to my scribblings. Keep my fingers warm and ready. Try to clear my mind of worry so I can ponder the evermore. Oo, The Evermore. That's a place somewhere. 

My Current Goals: 

Look for a DnD group
Read one chapter a day
Do daily writing exercises 
Paddle board on Sundays

I'm Moving!

Thanks for coming to check out my page! 

There are many years of poetry and posts for your perusal. However, I am no longer posting new content on this site. 

I have moved all new creations over to my Patreon. You can find me at:  Patreon.com/TympanicPublications 

Hope to see you there!