Untitled

Things all come and go
Friends say goodbye and hello
Moments bond
Memories create
My cup spills over into my plate
All these lessons slowly sink in
Hardly a chance to say thanks again
Or sorry for how I treated you then
Oh how it haunts the halls of my head
Quietly whispering while in bed
A million revisions on what was said
Forgotten in dreams until morning

Mary Go Round

Mary go, round and round
Dance your dance, beneath your frown
Slit your wrists, spill your pain
Sob loud sobs, out in the rain
Make an effort, dig in deep
Don't be afraid to go without sleep
Find your peace, stamp your path
Lay proud and pretty below the grass.

Letter To Nobody

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have changed. I'm not saying that you have made a mistake. I'm not saying you're wrong or your right or they are wrong or right. What I'm saying is, you're different now. I don't know what I expected. Maybe I just don't have a full grasp on cultures and oppression like I thought I did. I don't think you should have to alter the way you look to be happy with yourself or to feel accepted. (I accepted you already.) That to me is fitting into society's stereotype of certain feelings matching certain bodies. Why should we put ourselves in that box? (You are not defective!) I think we get swept up in the idea and truth of transgender identity because it makes sense that gender, a completely subjective thing, would be a sliding scale and not finite categories.[{(warning long tangent:  which I don't even really think it's that. I don't think it really exists. It's just a concept created to more easily categorize people scientifically based on anatomy and systematic response to certain stimuli. I think sex is a very real thing. It determines physically your capability for birthing and whatnot and also might influence hormone levels. But I don't think that's foolproof. I think it's a system that's been in place for so long that we have trouble looking outside of it. It's something we have so closely linked with sex and emotion that we have trouble even fully distinguishing it, and in turn we totally misconstrue a large part of 'what is Humanity' by trying to make it fit specific guidelines. Anyway...)}] Then we forget that we can learn from ideas and knowledge without having to act it out. It is possible for everyone to change from one gender to the other but to me changing your body physically, permanently to match how you feel emotionally is frivolous.  If we had no ideas of gender and masculinity and femininity, would you still want to change your body? You are who you are. If everyone else thinks something different without trying to get to know you then that's on them. It doesn't need to be your life goal to make sure your body tells everyone who you are. Be confident knowing you are awesome on the inside. I'm sure I sound like a self righteous ass, but I'm seriously just so tired of all the labeling. Try removing labels from your life actually. Start with your gender. We are all just people. We can't just wait for the world to change, John Mayer. If everyone is waiting then nothing happens. You can start the change inside of you with the way you view and treat and react to the world.


Mav

Traveler

I feel myself ghosting in
Move tree to tree inside the wind
Playful smile across my lips
Ginger dew covered naked steps
Air of mystery kisses my skin
Swells of passion lift pointed chin
Misted eyes on windswept Echo
Gazing listless over the meadow

Another Somewhat Religious Ramble

Life man. It takes so many turns. How can we put so much emphasis on certain parts? Its all beautiful. A random wandering journey of love and passion and sadness and pain. It makes us stronger and smarter and hopefully a little humble. But the point is to make mistakes. To dig down deep and fall and pick yourself back up. To have to ask for help and have humility. To learn that its ok to be wrong as long as you seek truth and allow for change and new understanding. Maybe we should read between the lines more and not take things so literally. School/church/state are all just compartmentalized versions of the ideas of those things. Religion and worship allow you that first step into consciousness. They are what connects you to the god part of all our brains. But that doesnt mean they have to be an end step. Are there end steps? Is there young and old? Are you growing less now than you were then? Hopefully not. I want to continue to grow and learn until the day I die. There is not adult and child. There is only you and your own willingness to learn and be open. Its ok to outgrown religion and see no use for it. In fact its an extremely healthy thing. If you can look at another creature and see its worth without the influence of some god then you have surpassed it. What other use does it have? And things like keeping order and peace is nonsense. That is a human quality. We underestimate ourselves as humans so much that we refuse to believe we could even evolve into this. Talk about an unhealthy parent child relationship. We are so dependent on them for our own self worth that we have to tell them how much we love them every day. Sounds like every article ive read about narcissists controlling the less secure partner. And many people in those communities are exclusive and nonaccepting. Its a cult. Run by no one and full of sheep waiting to be told what to do because making the decisions without the consent of an authority figure puts way too much responsibility on our hands. Ie: "I dont hate gay people, i just find them unnatural." Thats hate motherfucker. But more importantly, its fear. Fear that if everyone can have kids and love and marriage that it makes it somehow less special for you. How about if you stop worrying about how other people make themselves happy and you just make sure you are a better person than you were 5 minutes ago. Every 5 minutes. And you focus on the things youve chosen to be responsible for and dont worry about other people. News flash: if you dont know about what any one else is doing in their own private personal life then it cant bother you. Also its called a private life for a reason, you dont earn the right to dictate or judge it just because you think you know better. Because everyone thinks they know better. And the bottom line is no one really knows anyway. We are all just trying to get that fabled fruit of life joy in all the different ways. And we cant come back and confirm or deny so we keep trying. And honestly eternal damnation isnt really scary if Im wrong. I find it hard to believe that a guy who rebelled against god and was banished would really worry too much about punishing people for doing exactly what he did. Sounds like another ruse to keep you subservient and worried about something that we dont even know happens. I find what made me outgrow religion was its complete failure to answer almost any of my questions about life and love and happiness. In fact I dont remember it teaching me anything other than how jesus died a million times and a couple days of moses and noah and then basically just chanting at us to be good people but not actually teaching us any real religious history or about how more wars have been fought over gods than anything else and how christianity has only been a thing since like 1000ACE so alot of other wars were fought over and for totally different gods. But they dont have you question that. They dont have you ask why we fight a war over a piece of ground so jesus will come back but we still try to tell ourselves that we want world peace and that we can love our fellow man? Its just so contradictory. So I let it go. Like a dead relationship, religion holds nothing for me anymore. And wherever I encounter it i try to understand that they are on their own journey of self discovery and growth and I hope they too learn that religion is but a bandaid and an excuse. Because it made me stronger as a person and i want all people to understand their own power. It realLy is true. We are the universe. If you looked at the universe as  a whole. Our individual selves would be inconceivable dust but I like to imagine its dark out there. Total black void and one person is a blip. Like a star faintly flickering in its random journey. Because you are aware. You are the universe understanding itself. And its confusing because we only have our one little perspective but more people allow more flecks of light into the picture and if all those specks shared all their information then we would see a lot more of whats out there. Killing and wars and hate and snuffing out others lights only makes the truth more dim and harder to see.  Basically if every facet of the universe from the void to the rocks and ice and gas and creatures all became fully aware then we as a universe would have a full picture of ourself. Do you understand that? We know comparatively so little now. So why say that this is better than that? How can you know? Take everything with a grain of salt and understand that there is always something you could learn that could change your entire worldview. Let it happen. Its not scary. Its ok. Thats the beauty of life.



Mav

I Struggle

Struggle to deal
Struggle to heal
Struggle to understand my feels
Struggle releasing my pride
Struggle overcoming my shame
Struggle admitting i still feel pain
Struggle with time
Struggle with distance
Struggle with letting down my defenses
Struggle to forgive
Struggle to forget
Struggle to remember what it all meant
Struggle with insanity
Struggle with fear
Struggle making this come out clear
Struggle with morals
Struggle to play the game
Struggle accepting things can never be the same

Sonnnnguh guh guh

Guilt by Nero

So I love this song, and I've loved it for several years. I wanted to share it with you; so I looked up the official video as is my preferred method. I had never seen this video until today and I don't care much for it. I didn't think it did the song justice. Maybe I just feel too much emotion into songs that are meant to be vapid and shallow, but I can't help it. The music is good. It makes my body move. It feels. It grinds.

Here's another version, no video. So you can actually experience the song. Turn it up loud. Put it in your head. Take off your pants. Get in the mirror. Dance around. Feel it.

Guilt (feat Alana) by Nero



Mav

Offputting

I direct you down the dark path
My finger crooked and bony
Let you see the secret places
Twisted and so lonely

I let you hear the sithly song
Angry and defensive
Leave you out to dry so long
True interest tested

Ill let you make your decisions
Even let you walk away
But when you turn to look for me
Dont trust me to stay

Missing

It's what was wanted all along
And only now it shows
So one sided in the dawn
How now the embers glow
Broken bridge near washed away
Inner strength neglected
A million words never to speak
Personal flaws reflected
Trust reveals weaknesses
When wounded it leaves scars
Journey winds quite a distance
But it was written in the stars

Realities In Slumber Filter

Im deaf to the world
The world is deaf to me
Maybe we're all deaf
Cause we play our music so loud
To drown out the crowd
Blocking out all the sounds
So we can live in our heads
Until we crawl in our beds
Where our fantasies ignite
And it feels so right
Until we wake to the light
Of true lifes fright
And we reach for our buds
To make it to the night

Gingerbread House

A row of cookies on a sheet
Each exactly like its brother
They look around
Turn a frown
They can't tell themselves from the others
To make it easier
One breaks off
The corner of its crust
They all agreed it was a good idea
And crumble themselves to dust

Giblee

little ant inside my lamp
moving round and round,
silhouette says, "I live here"
but you never make a sound.
is it hot where you live
so close to the sun?
you steal away into the shade,
yet, alas, the day is ne'er done.

Rant On People #38

I don't like this idea of introverts and extroverts. I don't think its real. Its like saying there are only men and women with nothing in between. I'd say everyone is in between. What all humans need is balance. There are lessons in both extroverted ideas and introverted ideas. We all need time to ourselves to appreciate ourselves and our own passions and desires. You may not feel like you need to do this but it is beneficial to everyone. Just like being social and going out and putting yourself out of your comfort zone benefits you as a human. You need both. Being more into one or the other doesnt mean that you are that and need conform yourself to those ideas. There is no shaped hole that perfectly fits your peg. We are all human. And we all need to be challenged to be better by ourselves and others. And it probably wouldnt hurt to cut back on labeling and separating everyone into groups that could grow into a religion and then in 500 years we will talk about how we've always been at odds. Humanity doesn't need more walls separating it.

Play This Message

Play this message on repeat
Stand up on my own two feet
Make an effort to give a shit
Don't let stresses make me fret
Look for the silver along the edge
Don't need to burn every bridge
Learn life is full of choices
Between both good and bad
Darkness brings beautiful perspective
Happiness still feels very sad
Loneliness is a state of mind
With existence so big and small
Time builds strong wise people
But you can't just take it all.

Don't Say I Love You

Don't say I love you
It only brings me pain
Bitters in my mouth
Pits in my stomach
Don't say I love you
How it stings like a lie
Love is full of patience
Doesn't run in fear
Don't say I love you
Can't stand the tinge of worry
That happiness hangs
By tethers of pride