Today was hard, emotionally. I find myself going through these ups and downs. Like last night, I felt good. I was daydreaming about teaching and how I would get the kids engaged. And, like, I felt like I was going the right way. Then today I was down, man. Like, I really felt like a waste of space. I'm doing better now, and I did ok at work for the most part. I cried some in the bathroom. Which I'm fine with because like, y'all, I'm crying again. I haven't been doing that for like 3+ years! And like, I hurt, and it sucks, but the episodes are shorter. My self worth has always sucked but it has plummeted over the last couple months. I don't think I've been quite this depressed in years and years. Taking any victory.
I got on a some dating sites. Hated it. Felt so forced and awkward. I also just don't think I'm ready for that still. I have self loathing to the point of self sabotage of anything anyway. Literally talked to one dude, then deleted the app before replying to his message. Not specifically because of him, but like come on, he was cute and I just was not there for it. I think that says a lot. Trying to not feel bad. He lives around here. I'll just be cool and sorry if he see me. Like see that's what so shitty is now I feel bad after sending one flipping message. Like I've taken some damn oath and that I shouldn't even engage unless I want to get married. It's exhausting pushing through that. Took me like two weeks to come up with the 'openers' so they can just answer a question and you don't have to talk first. Barf. It all just felt so barfy and honestly just made me feel shittier. I could feel myself disassociating. I felt pretentious sharing myself and I felt like because I'm all broken and stupid that I shouldn't even be there. It's so hard to tell who someone is through a photo. And I hate photos of myself because I don't like how I look. and all these things also made me just say fuck it. Deleted all the apps.
Got my debts paid through my mom's husband. Now I will pay him back at a manageable interest rate instead. It's good. I have T minus 11 months until he says he is going to start collecting. They are requiring me to have so much in savings. It's nice. It's stressful, but it's good. It triggers all my self worth issues with my mom, and it's fine. I'm glad. Just so totally glad. And while I can't express any of my sadness or feelings to my mom about anything, I am incredibly grateful that she is financially supportive. She said she wanted to get me a car, but then I asked her if she liked me or just who she thought I could be because shes never just like there for me or supportive of my plan and shes always telling me how to do more. And like yea, I was sad and I felt alone and I felt hurt and I felt like she doesn't like me because she doesn't reach out to me and honestly shes just way more pragmatic than me. Anyway, she told me that I was closed minded for taking it personally. And she said a bunch of other stuff about not trying to control my life, which wasn't what I was talking about, and I could tell that she just got offended. And I said Im not closed minded, I'm having feelings and I said I was sorry and that it hurt that she called me closed minded instead of wondering about my well being at all. If my friend had sent me that text I'd have been concerned. And it told me that she doesn't like me. She loves me. I'm not saying she doesn't, but liking someone is different. And she doesn't like me and I guess I don't really like her. But it doesn't make the whole situation hurt less. I'm sure she will still get me a car, and I can just drive my guilt around all the time.
Bleh. I've talked too much about the crappy stuff. I think I have at least a couple ok things to mention.
Ummm....I almost climbed a 3 at the gym on Sunday. I was only like 2 hand holds away. So that was pretty cool. It did feel really good. I think I can finish it next time.
Idk, gonna try and go on a hike this Saturday. It's my last Saturday off before I start my new schedule of Tues-Sat. Gonna try again to incorporate like healing into it or some shit. idk go lay in the moss and let it consume me.
I will say - I haven't been keeping up super diligently with politics and the news. It's just too much for me in a lot of ways. I just can't even give it any energy. I'm too dead. But I did feel some conflict about the death of Charlie Kirk.
Now, I don't want this to be the America that we have to live in. I don't want this to be how we answer problems. This is a statement, maybe, but it is not and will never be a solution. But I also understand when people feel pushed and cornered and like their back is against the wall, that they will do anything.
Second though, I think this is 100% the way that Kirk wanted to die. Like, I know no one really wants to die by gun violence, but the man literally stood upon essentially pulpits and preached that this was a necessary consequence to the liberty of gun ownership. Its like that guy who hung out with bears and then one day the bears killed him....yea. Like, was it horrific? Yes. Are there two children out there without a father now? Yes. But thousands of children are left without parents by guns every year. This is what he said was necessary. He gets to be a martyr for his favorite cause.
My third comment is that this is getting touted very heavily as political violence, and it is, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, is lets not forget what else is political violence. For example - a govt allowing there to be starving people when there is enough food for all, denying healthcare, denying shelter but making having no shelter illegal, increasing the budget of the police and giving them unchecked power, dismantling the FDA and washing out science for conspiracy, etc. This is not the first act of political violence and it is far from being one of the most egregious actions of political violence taken in the recent months. It's easy to be mad about a popular white guy in everyone's face. But be mad about the veterans who don't get healthcare because they are seen as DEI, which Kirk and people like him didn't believe in. Be mad about the kid who died at Evergreen High School today by shooting himself because we protect the rights of owning guns more than we protect the right to mental healthcare or the right to be safe from guns. I just think being mad about Kirk today and not mad about all the other things is performative and short sighted. This is what happens when a pendulum swings.
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