Something happened at work...

This is a free-flowing, stream-of-conscious post. Buckle up. 

So there is this older guy, I think he is in his 60s, at work who putters through the stockroom like once a day to throw some shit away. And as he passes by he will stop by and chat for a couple minutes, usually about benign but weird shit, then he leaves. Well, he came up to me right at the end of the day and says hi as I'm walking by to go complete a task. I'm carrying parts in my hands. And he steps in close and is like, "can I ask you a question?" and I'm like "yea, what's up?" and I'm totally expecting like some sort of gossip situation or for him to ask if I'm dating my ex, whom I work with, because he gives me rides to work, but no he is like "would you want to go to dinner with me sometime?" and my mind and body immediately flip. Nothing thus far has implied that we might be close enough to go to dinner and he is like old. He has a full head of gray hair and is wrinkly and like at least 25 years older than me. And like I've been friends with older people but the way he asked it didn't feel like that. it felt like he was asking me on a fucking date. and my survival southern brain that screams appease appease appease was suddenly yelling run run run run run run run run run run run runrunrunrun and I heard myself go "uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh like just hang out?" and he's like "yea" and then I hear myself go "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhmmmmmmm ok, sure." and then I just stand there and he's like "we can exchange information tomorrow." and I'm like "ok." and like he leaves and I immediately go and finish the thing I was doing because like I said, I was holding parts in my hand because I was in the bloody middle of a damn task, and when I do that I immediately went and told my younger coworker who started at the same time as me and she was like "oh I don't like him. he makes me uncomfortable. One time he like pinned me against my desk with his cart and made the joke 'oh you're pinned' and it really made me uncomfortable. and another time he like put his hand on the small of my back and it creeped me out." and I was like omg this guy is gross gross, but she didn't say anything other than omg that's so uncomfortable and obviously agreed that the very next time I see him I'm going to say sorry I was caught off guard, I'm actually not comfortable giving you my number or going to dinner with you. But even though I had my plan to tell him first thing next time I saw him, I went and asked my other coworker who is older and has worked there for several years about him. I asked if she knew him very well and told her what happened. Her response was, "lets go see if our manager is in his office" and she walked with me to go see him. he wasn't in his office, but on the way she told me that him doing this isnt like a typical thing he does, he isn't just a friendly old man, that this was super inappropriate and that I should send an email to our manager since he wasn't there and that I should do whatever I have to do to get out of the situation right away. I will say it was interesting how the younger and older generation handled it. My coworker ten years my junior was willing to brush it off, but my coworker 20 years my senior was like lets immediately go to higher ups because this isn't ok. and then me in the middle, halfway between brushing it off and going to my manager. Glad I had my older coworker to support me in my journey. But it really rocked me and I felt so stupid for freezing, for not just saying no, for not being less of a wimp and this all happened in front of everyone. literally right in the middle of the stockroom. I felt so naked and exposed. it triggered my fight or flight so hard I think I have whiplash. I did email my manager with an explanation of what happened and just my current feels and thoughts. It was raw bc it was less than 30 minutes since it happened. I know he will be appalled. I can almost see him reading the email getting red in the face and gasping with his mouth open. He's like the most amazing boss that ever bossed. No one ever says that, or they never mean it but I really do! He is a gift amongst managers and a hero amongst men. I hope he gets back to me ASAP so I can talk to him tomorrow. I really wanted to talk to him in person today but couldn't. My ex gave me a ride home and I told him about it, and he told me that I was right to do what I did and that I shouldn't feel bad or mixed up because he put me in a super skeevy, uncomfortable situation. And he reminded me, and I want to remind any of you out there, that his intention is not what he did wrong but that he put me in that position in the middle of work in the middle of the room in the middle of my coworkers in the middle of me doing a job which is inappropriate. He was not working and was not asking me a work related question and then the question made me uncomfortable and I was not sure of his intentions and that's what makes it a violation. I guess I just needed to voice it all, because it sucks and I want to disappear. And I was doing good like trying to be friendly and put myself out there. Attracted who I didn't want. There is a cute guy who works in the room next to the stockroom, and I can't get him to look my way at all, but this gross old man has the gall to ask me to dinner. Like wtf? Whatever, I'm just going to hide deep in the aisles tomorrow and go outside when I can. And I'm going to avoid him like the plague now. If I report him to HR, he will probably get fired, because he's been reported before. So, he could be gone for good. And I hate having that power, but I hate that he makes me feel like I should use it. The fact that its not just me, that he makes other women I work with uncomfortable. Maybe I'll look stupid, or maybe people who don't get the whole story will think maybe I did go to dinner with him, but if he's gone and he can't keep touching women or pinning them with carts then that's a win. My ex said, "too much old blood at this company anyway." He's not wrong. 

Stay safe, babes

Word Vomit

Today was hard, emotionally. I find myself going through these ups and downs. Like last night, I felt good. I was daydreaming about teaching and how I would get the kids engaged. And, like, I felt like I was going the right way. Then today I was down, man. Like, I really felt like a waste of space. I'm doing better now, and I did ok at work for the most part. I cried some in the bathroom. Which I'm fine with because like, y'all, I'm crying again. I haven't been doing that for like 3+ years! And like, I hurt, and it sucks, but the episodes are shorter. My self worth has always sucked but it has plummeted over the last couple months. I don't think I've been quite this depressed in years and years. Taking any victory. 

I got on a some dating sites. Hated it. Felt so forced and awkward. I also just don't think I'm ready for that still. I have self loathing to the point of self sabotage of anything anyway. Literally talked to one dude, then deleted the app before replying to his message. Not specifically because of him, but like come on, he was cute and I just was not there for it. I think that says a lot. Trying to not feel bad. He lives around here. I'll just be cool and sorry if he see me. Like see that's what so shitty is now I feel bad after sending one flipping message. Like I've taken some damn oath and that I shouldn't even engage unless I want to get married. It's exhausting pushing through that. Took me like two weeks to come up with the 'openers' so they can just answer a question and you don't have to talk first. Barf. It all just felt so barfy and honestly just made me feel shittier. I could feel myself disassociating. I felt pretentious sharing myself and I felt like because I'm all broken and stupid that I shouldn't even be there. It's so hard to tell who someone is through a photo. And I hate photos of myself because I don't like how I look. and all these things also made me just say fuck it. Deleted all the apps.

Got my debts paid through my mom's husband. Now I will pay him back at a manageable interest rate instead. It's good. I have T minus 11 months until he says he is going to start collecting. They are requiring me to have so much in savings. It's nice. It's stressful, but it's good. It triggers all my self worth issues with my mom, and it's fine. I'm glad. Just so totally glad. And while I can't express any of my sadness or feelings to my mom about anything, I am incredibly grateful that she is financially supportive. She said she wanted to get me a car, but then I asked her if she liked me or just who she thought I could be because shes never just like there for me or supportive of my plan and shes always telling me how to do more. And like yea, I was sad and I felt alone and I felt hurt and I felt like she doesn't like me because she doesn't reach out to me and honestly shes just way more pragmatic than me. Anyway, she told me that I was closed minded for taking it personally. And she said a bunch of other stuff about not trying to control my life, which wasn't what I was talking about, and I could tell that she just got offended. And I said Im not closed minded, I'm having feelings and I said I was sorry and that it hurt that she called me closed minded instead of wondering about my well being at all. If my friend had sent me that text I'd have been concerned. And it told me that she doesn't like me. She loves me. I'm not saying she doesn't, but liking someone is different. And she doesn't like me and I guess I don't really like her. But it doesn't make the whole situation hurt less. I'm sure she will still get me a car, and I can just drive my guilt around all the time.

Bleh. I've talked too much about the crappy stuff. I think I have at least a couple ok things to mention. 

Ummm....I almost climbed a 3 at the gym on Sunday. I was only like 2 hand holds away. So that was pretty cool. It did feel really good. I think I can finish it next time. 

Idk, gonna try and go on a hike this Saturday. It's my last Saturday off before I start my new schedule of Tues-Sat. Gonna try again to incorporate like healing into it or some shit. idk go lay in the moss and let it consume me. 

I will say - I haven't been keeping up super diligently with politics and the news. It's just too much for me in a lot of ways. I just can't even give it any energy. I'm too dead. But I did feel some conflict about the death of Charlie Kirk.

Now, I don't want this to be the America that we have to live in. I don't want this to be how we answer problems. This is a statement, maybe, but it is not and will never be a solution. But I also understand when people feel pushed and cornered and like their back is against the wall, that they will do anything. 

Second though, I think this is 100% the way that Kirk wanted to die. Like, I know no one really wants to die by gun violence, but the man literally stood upon essentially pulpits and preached that this was a necessary consequence to the liberty of gun ownership. Its like that guy who hung out with bears and then one day the bears killed him....yea. Like, was it horrific? Yes. Are there two children out there without a father now? Yes. But thousands of children are left without parents by guns every year. This is what he said was necessary. He gets to be a martyr for his favorite cause. 

My third comment is that this is getting touted very heavily as political violence, and it is, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, is lets not forget what else is political violence. For example - a govt allowing there to be starving people when there is enough food for all, denying healthcare, denying shelter but making having no shelter illegal, increasing the budget of the police and giving them unchecked power, dismantling the FDA and washing out science for conspiracy, etc. This is not the first act of political violence and it is far from being one of the most egregious actions of political violence taken in the recent months. It's easy to be mad about a popular white guy in everyone's face. But be mad about the veterans who don't get healthcare because they are seen as DEI, which Kirk and people like him didn't believe in. Be mad about the kid who died at Evergreen High School today by shooting himself because we protect the rights of owning guns more than we protect the right to mental healthcare or the right to be safe from guns. I just think being mad about Kirk today and not mad about all the other things is performative and short sighted. This is what happens when a pendulum swings.

Part I - Some Excuses

I am not a great person. I mean well, but I was in survival mode for a long time. Didn't even realize I was in that mode. Then I perpetuated it because I didn't know the skills to do something about it I guess, and I was not good at seeking it out. I was also broke and already existential which is a horrid combination that is barely tolerable, let alone sustainable. But not to digress from the fact that I didn't learn how to leave survival mode....until now. At least I am trying, and it sucks. I'm learning how I've hurt people and I know my friend will say, "But you're doing better now and you can't be at fault for your past." One, I don't know how true that really is like in a legal sense for some things, but two, in order to do better I have to remember how I have hurt people. Like those actions should hang heavy on me, until I'm strong enough to carry it or until it's been dealt with. 

But also that feels martyr-ish. Like "Oh, look at my albatross. I'm so deep because I carry great pain." (I hope you can hear the voice I'm making. Think Mighty Boosh) So then what? Like what if I like to always carry a little pain, in the sense that I'm always working to be a better person. And I don't want other people to try and take that pain away because it's project pain. But also, how healthy is 'project pain' and what can that mean for my relationships? And like do I like to feel a little sad because it gives me a reason to have almost totally unaddressed manic-depressive fluctuations? And this anxiety. I feel like I'm yelling. Is it loud in here?

This is dramatic, but some days I feel like I don't know who I am. Like I have masked when I talk to people for so long. Whatever they liked I liked, or had at least heard of, and then I'd go home and feverishly research until I felt I knew enough to come back and be like, See, told ya I know that thing you were talking about. And like I did like some things but what I lost was my ability to tell people I didn't like something, or to have a differing opinion. I never practiced at school and I didn't feel like I could practice at home. I actually remember feeling like I had figured out some trick to life by appeasing people in this way. From a very young age I remember feeling this way. 

Sometimes I still mirror others so much that my body language will say the exact opposite of what my mind is thinking. And there is a level of self gas-lighting that happens when you live this dual masked life. And when you start trying to unravel what you feel and what you mask it can become confusing. I also think this sometimes can make me a bit more susceptible to outside gas-lighting. So there is a lot of self doubt and self hate that is deeply rooted. Even if you tear out the plant, it still grows. I have gotten better about just saying I don't know what something is though. That was really hard for a long time, admitting that I didn't know something.

But breaking the habit of body language can be hard because those actions are very ingrained and so I am trying to be more present and more aware so I can rewrite habits of lying without words*. Failing so far. My other problem is my mouth and how it just never shuts up. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Heavy healing ✌💜

*Lying without words - Sounds like the title of a memoir or a well written study on social engineering. 

Words For 'Low'

I'm processing some shit lately I had some drama with a guy and he really threw me for a loop. I really liked him but when I realized i was doing the same things i did before and I hadn't taken any time to get the tools I need to handle it...then it all imploded. But all I can do is be better and do better and learn the lessons. I also felt really good that I paid him back the money. He actually sent me a bill. Didn't trust me that much. Really thought I wanted to take advantage of them. And that hurt. That he thought so little of my character as a person. That my word means so little to him. But it made me feel good he had to eat crow a little bit because I really tried to be honest and straightforward. I really thought it would just make sense that I would need time after a breakup. That chilling out for a year and getting to know each other as friends was a good compromise. I didn't think it would be viewed so negatively. I kind of understand why it was shitty to expect that, but I still think he overreacted by thinking I was purposefully trying to hurt him. Or that there was blame to go around. It's like he just couldn't realize that it's not him I don't like. It's his inability to respect my wants. You can't buy someone with love. And he got stuck on thinking considerate to me was giving me what he wanted me to give him not giving me what I ask for. And i really feel like I never got a chance bc he wasn't willing to wait for me. He said he would wait but he didn't and maybe he couldn't. Every few days he was questioning me and my reasons and not believing or trusting me. Forcing me to reaffirm my choice and dig in deeper and because he wasn't willing to compromise with not right now but after ive had some time, we didn't compromise. He was just so sure I wanted to use him and hurt him. I know she hurt him but she is a poor excuse to hurt others and at a certain point she becomes a crutch for bad behavior and a wall to real healing. Anyway enough on that. 

Books I'm reading:

Mind Over Mood

Witch's Book of Self Care 

Silence in the Age of Noise (just finished. Really great book)

I've been doing my daily reading. I do go paddle board like every other weekend. I have also been going to the climbing gym about once a week. I do still ride my bike into work, though I do get rides more often lately. That won't last forever though. I'm working on finding my inner peace. Because I require a fair amount of solitude, but I can't just always have that. So I've been learning skills and tools to use in the moment. And practicing meditation and breathing. I've never really been good at that so I'm excited to get better at it. 

I cleaned out all the rest of my exes stuff from my bookcases. It felt good. Less clutter. I can see my trinkets better. And I tossed some old cat pillows and the cat tower because they don't use them anymore and they were pretty gross. 

Yea, so, I'm doing ok in some ways but all that drama really was a pretty big bummer. 

Going hiking at Silver Falls tomorrow. It should be really nice. I'm gonna try and say a mantra at each of the falls. 

Time for bed. 

💚✌️

Nah, Fuck That Shh

So, I decided that I am going to keep this site going, if for no one but myself. I've recently started a new chapter in my life, and maybe it will lend to more thoughts to share that aren't really what I'm doing on Patreon. Over there, I am doing more official writing, like stories and poetry and a little bit of art. Here, on this page, will be my free thoughts. I hope you join me. 

So, it begins. 

I'm going to therapy about my anxiety. I haven't started yet, I suppose, but I have my first appt on Friday. I actually was supposed to have it last Friday, but she cancelled at the last minute. 

I just wrote and erased a bunch of stuff because I am still letting go for myself. I have thoughts that start and then I get into the telling of it and I realize its not really that good. Writing anything at all is a step. It's practice. I have been putting some practice into writing stories of fiction, and I do plan to continue that. I want to put more time into my personal non-fiction as well. While getting any work of print published is always a dream, to have both a fiction and a non-fiction book would be amazing. So, I'll just keep to my scribblings. Keep my fingers warm and ready. Try to clear my mind of worry so I can ponder the evermore. Oo, The Evermore. That's a place somewhere. 

My Current Goals: 

Look for a DnD group
Read one chapter a day
Do daily writing exercises 
Paddle board on Sundays

I'm Moving!

Thanks for coming to check out my page! 

There are many years of poetry and posts for your perusal. However, I am no longer posting new content on this site. 

I have moved all new creations over to my Patreon. You can find me at:  Patreon.com/TympanicPublications 

Hope to see you there!

Sept 4, 2014

Can't speak--

Not a whimper, not a whisper;

so much to say in this stagnant State 

but nothing important. 

Dark circles Dark eyes Black hair

Sith Priestess, is there such a thing?

Suffocating power wringing the life out of me. 

My thoughts are nothing, words and words and words. I want to say something but find myself at a loss. I want to relay this feeling, this need, this pain. I want to make it clear, connect with your innermost calamities. This word "poet" "artistic", all frivolous? What is a writer that doesn't write? I dip my pen in all the inks, they do not flow. They only scratch and tear the paper. Perhaps better to say nothing.  I don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I am. I have an amazing boyfriend, who I'm not sure I deserve. I want to give and feel hollow. I feel disappointing, depressing, boring, pathetic and unworthy. I worry I'm not interesting enough to live a life with. I think about my life and I feel so detached. Who am I? Who was I? Am I still who I was or do I just play games? Does that even make sense? I like to travel. But it's not like I ever do. Am I just my father? Always wanting, never doing. They call me antisocial. What I once took as being independent, selective and quirky now seems like a scarlet letter. One more mark on my character alongside pride, vanity, stubbornness. 

it's that's time of year again

I guess the holidays always get me thinking. It starts around my birthday and lasts the rest of the year. Just turned 34. Not sure what that even means or why. Been trying to learn more things and read more and workout when I feel up to it. My anxiety meds just got bumped up to 100mg. It helps in some ways but not at all in others. I often daydream about going off grid into the wild style. Been learning about preserving and growing a home garden and watching lots of videos and reading about country living. Finding land that's affordable is next to impossible but i look regularly. Might have to leave the pnw to find something in the range of broke ass. I got things I want to complain about but I know they are just me dragging my feet and I got no right to complain about my own procrastination like its someone else's fault. 

Love Over Trauma

Sometimes you'll say things and do things that you don't realize you'll regret for a long time. It'll feel really justified in the moment and right but it's still a reaction and projection of larger issues not dealt with. 

I had a friend, a best friend, a best of best friends in high-school. We didn't go to the same school but we had a lot of church activities we did together. I didn't stay church going while I was in college, but we rekindled our friendship when I came home regardless and spent a lot of time together. She introduced me to a boy, and due to a very bad practical joke this caused some drama with her future Mister. I told myself it was over the line and not okay. I told myself that she had changed if she thought it was funny like he did. But really I think I was projecting my own loss of trust with friends because of a sexual assault I suffered right at the end of my college career. Even that, some days, I wonder about. Was I in the wrong? 

So, my friend and I had a tense and awkward "breakup" where even money was exchanged and I didn't feel like she wanted to know me or care for me and I was almost instantly done because again I had totally unaddressed trauma that I was suppressing and projecting onto this situation. I had become less understanding and forgiving, because the person who assaulted me also was one of my closest friends in college. I didn't even want to act like this college betrayal had affected me. Even when she reached out to me after the loss of a parent, I remained closed off and blocked up and didn't really show love. I wasted the opportunity to rekindle that friendship. I abandoned her.

I look back on so many moments and see now how I didn't see then. I see how I was shallow and vapid and disassociated and willfully ignorant of myself. I actively pushed people away and kept them at arms length because I think somewhere in my subconscious I had convinced myself that friends are not really trustworthy. When I think the reality is actually the opposite. But I didn't uphold my end of the friendship. I didn't stay present and forgiving and understanding and loving. I became cold and hard and distant. Even when I moved out of the area, I had people who wanted to get close to me but I had an almost visceral reaction to the words "best friend." I thought it was just that person who was too intense for me, but really I think I pushed them away because of my unresolved feelings about the best friend I had just recently lost. The words had become tainted to me and people who used them were untrustworthy. When that's not really true.

It's harder for adults to make friends, and I think this is due to trauma. So it's important to maintain those friendships from childhood. Stay open and loving. It took me a long time to even recognize these things about myself. I'm 33 and just now it's clicking in that I haven't been pulling my friendship weight, maybe for my whole life. I do think it boils down to trauma, but I don't see that as an excuse. It's something to be aware of and to combat. Trauma shows itself in so many ways. Sometimes it's really obvious, but sometimes it's really really not. We all have trauma. It's an emotional bellybutton. But it doesn't have to rule you, and if you work to not be reactionary but purposeful and considerate of why you feel certain things then I do think trauma can be, at least, controlled. 

If I have to sum it up, it's straightforward but not simple:  Reach out to those people in your life who you care about. Make an effort because it takes effort. Life and friends and happiness don't just happen to people, they have to be accepted and appreciated and cherished. It's OK to have trauma, in fact it's totally normal and expected because life is hard and confusing, but don't let your trauma push away the love in your life. Because then all you'll have to hold onto is that trauma and trauma doesn't love you. Trauma doesn't make you stronger but love does.

Ancient Peoples Were Modern Peoples

So, I've been really into Buzzfeed's Unsolved series and then the Ghost Files spin-off on Watcher with the same costars (Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej). They look at mysteries of the world, often related to spirits or ghosts, but sometimes aliens. I was watching the episode talking about the ancient Egyptians (Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural S2E3) and Ryan is so certain that aliens had to be involved, or he leans towards alien involvement. One of his main reasons that he believes aliens had to be involved in the building of these great pyramids (specifically the pyramids of Giza) is that he thinks that the math is too advanced for these people to have created them without supernatural help. He thinks knowing pi and being able to make right angles is too much. Shane at one point calls him disrespectful for saying so, and I agree! 

It's really easy to look back on ancient cultures and think we know more than them. We have created a bunch of shortcuts to life that make doing things easier. We also tend to stick to things that work and not change our methods over time unless there is a better way to do it. But we should be careful making these assumptions that ancient peoples weren't as capable as we are today. Many ancient artifacts are made of organic materials. These materials can easily break down over time, or be reconstituted into other things and the information of how they were used throughout their lives is often lost or overshadowed for their final use. We only get a snapshot of history. We are constantly piecing things together. There are multiple ways to solve many problems. We may have a tried and true way of doing things today that wasn't even a concept in the past, but that doesn't mean they didn't want or need to accomplish the same tasks. I have been watching the Hulu series', "Technology That Changed the World/America" (there are like 8 different ones dealing with different things) and it has really made me think about how ideas happen. Usually, we have tasks we already have to do and we want them to be faster or smoother or safer or more productive. And over time and trial and tribulation and failure, sparks of ingenuity happen to make those desires more possible. Oftentimes, at the pressure of the powers that be to do more with less. Just because we use pulleys today, doesn't mean that ancient humans just didn't make things that we would use pulleys for until it was invented. The pulley was invented for a reason, it didn't just spring into existence and now suddenly we are making things that require pulleys. We were making things and then someone thought, "Hey, maybe this would be easier if we wrap the rope we are using around a tree first." Then they used that and then maybe someone thought, "Oh if we wrap the rope between two trees, it's even easier and we can use less men to pull more weight." And they did that and then someone realized, "Man, we don't have many trees where we want to build, what if I cut a couple down that can be ported and used away from the trees?" and boom concept of pulleys is coming around and being developed. It continues to get more finely tuned every time it's used. Same with the wheel. We didn't not haul things around until one day someone said, "Hey, lets use wheels," and suddenly people started hauling things. No, it's much more likely that we hauled things in many different ways and then one day someone thought, "Hey, what if we used this in this way." And since we haven't found anything better than the wheel yet, it still remains. Lets not forget about the dirt ramp method for lifting very heavy objects into an upright position. Dirt ramps can be flattened and essentially erased from existence with almost no evidence left behind. Just because we can't conceive of doing things in a simpler way, doesn't mean that they weren't done. 

Furthermore, it's really easy to assume that ancient peoples didn't use pi because they don't have math books that discuss all their collected mathematical knowledge. But just because they may not have a definition for what they are using doesn't mean they don't use it on some level. We can balance a rock on another rock without being able to explain the physics behind the act. Math is physical. We have mathematical theory today in classrooms where we make up scenarios to answer questions. But ancient math may have been much more tangible and less theoretical for its users. We used gravity and manipulated things with it long before Newton told us what it was. We just didn't know that was why it worked, but we knew that what we did was working. The same is very likely true for ancient civilizations use of advanced mathematical concepts. We knew that the sun gave life before we knew that plant cells break down photons into chlorophyll. So why do ancient Egyptians have to be able to explain pi in order to use it? Does a mollusk need to understand the Fibonacci sequence to build its shell? We need to stay aware of our futuristic privilege and not doubt our ancestors simply because we 'think' we are smarter than them because we have applied labels to many ideas. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it may seem like we are more advanced, but our advancement was built on the ingenuity of those ancient peoples. These techniques were developed over the years much like everything around us today.

Think about how a child learns. The brain of a child is the same brain as an adult in how it processes stimuli. Where they differ is in perspective and experience. Children don't have the experiences to confirm or deny the events they are experiencing, but over time those events compound and their view of the world sharpens. This is the same for ancient peoples. They do not have our perspective, but they process the world in the same way we do. There isn't really any anthropological evidence to say that their brains were much different than ours. They loved, made babies, had families and extended groups, and needed to be safe, warm and fed. They looked up at the stars, played games, were afraid to die and fought to make things better for themselves and their families. Just like us today. So then why do we like to think that they were dumb or less than us? This is our perspective. We tend to dismiss children as dumb, when really they are inexperienced, and we tend to dismiss ancient cultures as dumb simply because they don't have our modern technology. 

It may be needless to say, but I don't believe aliens came down and gave us our technology. I don't think it's unlikely, in the slightest, that ancient peoples could have created these amazing works. They didn't have the same culture that we do so we can't judge it by our modern cultures' standards. It really boils down to perspective. We have it, and we need to make sure we are using it properly. Each day is the height of advancement. The Egyptians were at the top of that chart in their time, but we have become more advanced since. We are at the top today, and one day there will be peoples more advanced than us. Our technology doesn't define how smart our population is, but simply how efficient we are at the time. There will always be ways to advance. That doesn't mean that people who haven't advanced yet are stupid or incapable, just in a different part of the (rat) race of existence. 

Hearsay

She said, "Yea, I don't want to have kids either."
I said, "I always figured if I had a kid that it would be adopted."
"Adopted kids kind of tend to have problems." Her voice hushed.
"Maybe, but leaving them in the system where those problems never get addressed isn't the answer either."
"You're right."

(I wish more people just said, "You're right," when they know it. Respect.)

Mama said there'd be days like this...oh wait, no she didn't

I'm sorry, I have to clear some things up. I know that you sent that email with the best of intentions, but I am kind of hurt. I came to you because I wanted support and love.  I, bizarrely, thought you might tell me that you were proud of me. That I've come a long way in life. That it will get easier.  That I'm strong and it will get better. That it just takes time to make close friends.  I didn't want a lecture about what I need to do and how I'm not doing enough. You didn't even ask me any more questions.  I didn't really tell you all that much.  The most I said though that was negative (because I said that I feel things are getting better and I know they are going to be ok) was that I was wanting to make some friends.  I've been here 5 months.  I know I wont have real, close friends yet.  I engage with tons of people everyday.  I am friendly and outgoing, but those aren't tried and true friends.  That's what I'm missing.  I wish you had asked, or even let me say it. 

It hurts again that you mention the military.  When have I ever in the entirety of my life shown any desire whatsoever to go into the military? Much less, I thought I had made my feelings on my friend going into the marines clear.  And I know that he is unhappy.  You don't even think to mention anything else like the wildlife center or volunteering at the zoo or volunteering at a food center, or any of the other many many things I have actually shown interest in.  But you jump to the military.  That rang out "Jim" to me. I do not agree with many many many things about our government and our governments military.  I abhor war and America's self-proclaimed "upholders of peace". If anything, I feel we need massive changes to most policies within government.  Also, I'm not religious.  I feel like it's been obvious for a while now, but I'm going to state it flatly.  I don't believe in god.  I have a general belief that I don't know everything and therefore rule out nothing, and in this instance god remains possible. But mostly, I just believe in being kind and helpful and living in as much harmony as possible.  

I never said I was sad because of money troubles.  AT&T hasn't contacted me.  I thought I had taken care of that bill.  They probably have an outdated phone number. Thank you for paying though, if you do. If you don't, then I will. That's not a problem.  Also, I don't really want money.  I hate money.  I need it as far as I need it, but I want to work towards not needing money at all.  I got my glass straws and I'm cutting out plastic.  I'm eating fresher, more organic, local produce.  And I do have a career in mind. I want to have the bakery/food cart. Now I'm even more excited because the idea is fleshing out and it's a real possibility. I want it to be totally green and local and organic. I've told you this. It's what I really really want to do. I just know it's not going to happen right now.  And even though we struggle, I'm ok waiting for that. And I have wanted this nose ring for at least 5 years.  Just because I don't tell you about when I get all my tattoos and piercings doesn't mean that I get them on a whim.  Most of them included months if not years of consideration.  You think I'm still that little girl.  I'm a woman now, mom. I understand that life isn't always easy. And maybe that's what you really did show me here. That I am all those things I wanted you to see that I was. 

Daughtering Out On My Mother

Mothers form a linked arm line between federal troops and protesters (aka their children):

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8547583/amp/Trumps-troops-vs-Portlands-moms-Parents-join-55th-day-protests-city.html 

If you think the protesters are only people who break things then you aren't listening. If you are really more concerned about brick and mortar buildings than the lives of people on the street, and cannot support this righteous movement even moderately, then I'm straight disappointed. You talk to me like a child who didn't read the textbook, but this is so much bigger than that. This is the civil rights movement 2.0 (now in a nicer dress). If my passion alone does not spur you to look deeper into the things happening on the street or to question the authority and it's intent, then what good have I been as a daughter? You really don't respect my opinion to so easily dismiss my concerns. How can I possibly hope to connect with you if, on this massive social level, you put people down when I want to lift people up? You start at hate and contempt for the movement before you even truly understand what it's about. You say "they say it's about black lives, but they are destroying black businesses," like all that's been going on is people with BLM signs burning shit down. That's how I can tell you've been listening to one-sided arguments that bash what's happening because detracting from the movement keeps those people in control. I know that the rioting and looting is unhelpful to the movement and I don't partake and I don't encourage, but I don't lose sight of the actual issue like you so readily do. You don't have anything nice to say about it at all. Do you even know any of the names of the people who have been killed by police brutality? Any of the murdered children's names? Why do you think that people on the street are only trying to destroy and you question them, but you trust, without question, the government to use federal, militant troops wielding "less" lethal shotguns, machine guns and shooting tear gas at unarmed civilians? You say, "Well yea the cops need to reform, but protesters are destroying stores," like the cops needing to be reformed is the lesser problem. Buildings can be rebuilt if we work together and lives easily restored, but if we refuse to rebuild our overall system, things will never get better. You have not shown me compassion. You have shown me willfully blind bigotry. I love you as my mother but I'm disgusted by you as a person of the world. If you were here you wouldn't stand in that line of moms for me. At least, from the way you talk, I don't believe for a second that you would. You voted for a man who allowed your trans daughter to lose her right to medical care. You support this man putting up walls and keeping children in jail cells at the border. You stand behind the federal troops and cry over broken concrete. Why should I trust you to help build a world where I am safe? 

You contradict yourself. For example:  During the 2015 election you said you liked Bernie and his ideas but were going to vote for Trump because "Bernie just won't win." You may not remember this but it's burned in my mind because I saw the cape fall from Superman that day and you were lost to me. Is that what democracy has come to for you? Vote for who you think will win and to not vote for who you think wants what is best for the WHOLE country (not your personal pocketbook). You supported Trump and defended his emotionally unstable state as being just an emotional man with uncontrollable urges, instead of questioning whether someone so overtly sexual, defensive and single minded is really fit to be a president. Also, if we allow our president to touch women inappropriately and tear down anyone who questions them, then how can we hold the rest of the population accountable? You can't be mad at Connor for sexually assaulting me in college and be blasé about a president who literally has agreed with people that he is a sexual predator (video below). You are essentially patting Connor on the back for sexually assaulting your daughter when you support Trump. That's how it feels to me. If you don't stand alongside ME and these other people fighting for equality, for true democracy, for the non-sexualization of the female form then what do you even stand for? 

You say "give legislation a chance to work" but the people have been asking for these things for years, decades even. This is a final straw, not the start of the race. With a political system that caters to the wealthy who can afford to buy votes, that actively disables the lower classes with short voter openings, weird locations, midday openings instead of off hours when people are available and a popular vote that means nothing (not to mention a corruption of mass media and a piecemeal dissemination of information that leaves most people extremely ignorant), how can you say let legislation work? It hasn't been working. Don't talk like this just started 3 months ago. This has been years and years in the making, punctuated by the coming into power of the most tyrannical American president to date and his continuing push to isolate and persecute those of different backgrounds and lifestyles.

An open letter to my mom.

I'm not an orator.

But I challenge you to the following:

Attempt to see these people on the street as humans, not just anarchists or rioters. Listen to the protesters, not just the people protesting the protesters. This excessive police force they are being met with in many cases is totally unwarranted. Protest is America. This is why we are America and not still English colonies. Why were they justified and these people aren't? Tell me this doesn't look so eerily the same as civil rights in the 60's. Tell me that tear gas, rubber bullets, pepper bullets and the EL RAD sound cannon aren't similar to or even worse than dogs and water hoses. It's so easy to sit up on our white horse and claim equality when historically BIPOC get paid less, have less societal advantages and suffer greater from prejudices and medical/environmental factors. The protests are about black lives AND they are about police brutality at the same time because the sad fact is that they go hand in hand. I challenge you to see all the grey in this situation and stop looking at protesters as "the other." These are people with families and children too. These are mothers and babies just like those social workers you work with. They want the same freedom of peace to walk past an officer of the law that you and I have. The same access to school and nature and housing that you and I have. And you refusing to understand that that dichotomy exists within our society is the exact problem. 

I challenge you to consider these perspectives below. Even more so, in the future, when you are met with news from one source or another that makes you cringe and wonder why, I encourage you to go and do some research for yourself. Don't automatically believe what's being regurgitated to you by a single resource or a heavily biased resource. Look up other resources and make sure they aren't feeding you half the story. I encourage you to be forgiving and understanding, which I am not seeing in you. And more than anything, I encourage you to have hope. The sheer fact that you don't believe we can even attempt gun control, even just the banning of automatic weapons, shows a total lack of hope in humanity and total lack of faith in people to want to live in a safe world. You think white people are the only ones who want to be safe? You really think black people would be protesting against something that benefits them? You must really think low of them. You must really think them stupid.  You can't say you agree we need police reform but then knock the people protesting for it. Pick a lane, mom! Stop being wishy-washy and make some hard decisions about the world around you. Have a mind of your own and stop just spitting negativity at me. I kept trying to say why I thought the people were protesting on the phone and you just kept going right back around to, "They are breaking stuff." So I'm like they are being ignored, marginalized and wrongfully gunned down on the regular and you're like, "but they're breaking stuff!" And I'm like but they have protested before and been promised change that fell through as soon as they got off the street, and they want to see change this time before backing down and you're still like, "BUT THEY'RE BREAKING STUFF!" Don't talk to me if you're going to refuse to hear me and acknowledge my truth that I speak. You can't say you think the police need reform and then call the people on the streets, that are protesting for just that, rioters and talk as if all they want is destruction. Do you even realize your own contradiction? To me, gaining equality for those who aren't white is worth all the buildings burning. What is it worth to you? Or do you not worry about it because it doesn't directly affect you like it does them?  

Elizabeth Keckley said, "What my people are to be, I can't say. I never heard any ask what freedom will bring. Freedom's first." We have to allow space for equality and all its nasty, scabby, yellow pus drippy healing to take place. There is still a lot of prejudiced hate in this world, lots of open wounds. If we constantly say that we can't do something out of fear of consequences then we will never move forward as a society. If you only focus on the possible negatives of a situation then you will never see the whole puzzle. Instead, think about the benefits that would come from re-allocating the police budget that affords them fancy SUVs and riot gear and EL-RAD cannons and tear gas and redirecting it into better training, better schools, more after school programs, community building and local businesses. Consider instead the benefits of a world where guns are more regulated and not on every officers hip. Even if people get them, it's still illegal and if caught makes it so much easier to prosecute. Not to mention possible delays in activities to wait for things to come in, as you say from over the border, which allows for investigation, research and possible infiltration. Yes bad people will still be bad, but that doesn't mean we have to hand them their weapons legally and open the door for them as they head back out into society. If you say you can't treat an open wound and allow it to fester and become infected, no longer is it just a cut. Now we have to take the arm off or risk losing the whole body. Consider the protests, instead, as people trying to heal this cut in the few ways that they know how. Yes, people want freedom, but freedom is not free. It requires cooperation and understanding and forgiveness and growth and adaptation. Freedom is not a static, stone idea. It is water and is ever changing as we grow and learn as a society. The hope should be to work towards a future where very little law enforcement is needed because we've developed a system that the majority of people agree on. When we don't even have to have a census 51% majority to vote in a president and representatives don't even have to vote along with their people, then I would say we aren't working inside a system we all agree on or even have a say in. This is a breeding ground for contempt and misunderstanding. Have you ever considered the art of negotiation? You always high ball so when you have to compromise you still get a lot of what you need. This is protesting! It's very large scale bartering. Social bartering. Hey we will let you have cops and stop protesting/direct destructing if those cops are trained in a variety of situations that don't vilify the arrested and are trained not to automatically shoot me because I'm resisting arrest or running away. And when cops do shoot people to death, let's have a fair trial and consequences, not desk duty or paid leave. Pretty reasonable I think. Protests will continue, as long as cops are given special treatment and immunity from consequences. They are supposed to first and foremost "Protect and serve" not "subdue and control". 

I love you, but I will no longer suffer how pushy you are with social issues. I specifically asked you NOT to speak to me about politically charged issues when you sent me that incredibly disrespectful Bernie video. Don't ask me my opinion and then try to convince me I'm wrong and refuse to move past property damage. I'm allowed to think for myself. Why am I always the one who has to tell you to back off when we start talking about this kind of stuff? Why do you have to push and push and push? You don't respect me and you don't respect my opinion. If you just wanted to know if I was safe, maybe make note of the fact that I was talking to you: healthy, working and finding a new job.  I'm talking about d&d and my boyfriend and his job and possibly moving. I made no mention of things not going well. If you had considered the words actually coming out of my mouth then you would realize this topic of protesting need not have been brought up at all. But you don't hear me. 

I do believe, however, that you are smarter than this and can be better than this. America has the opportunity to be an example to the world. You may not want to be part of that, but that's part of the responsibility we hold as a superpower. We cannot hold onto outdated notions of selective power and selective equality and hope to survive into the eons of time. We must adapt. Freedom is not free.  

Suggested perspectives for your perusal:

Eugene, Oregon has been doing this for 3 decades. We can all take some notes:

https://www.usnews.com/news/cities/articles/2020-07-06/eugene-oregons-30-year-experiment-with-reimagining-public-safety  

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/health-expert-police-violence-against-black-people-is-a-pandemic/#app

https://www.vogue.com/article/why-every-environmentalist-should-be-anti-racist

A Q&A with that same person that I thought was really well put together:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CCEpvSHJBa1/?igshid=yu9n9vuqw9gr

https://reason.com/2020/07/15/footage-of-partial-blindings-during-anti-police-brutality-protests-contradicts-cops-reports/

https://www.adn.com/nation-world/2020/06/11/trump-administration-wont-say-who-got-511-billion-in-taxpayer-backed-coronavirus-loans/

https://twitter.com/KingBach/status/1281076008364343296?s=09

https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/06/17/police-targeting-street-medics-us-protests#

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jun/06/police-violence-protests-us-george-floyd

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/04/08/five-facts-about-fox-news/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-antifa_n_5f11d304e4b00b6e553c080f?ncid=engmodushpmg00000004&amp=1  

https://twitter.com/i/events/1284112421725110274  

We shouldn't only speak up when it affects us personally: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcridvxfLBo  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atOLXyVeIh8 (partial video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoHNqpw1oas  (full video) 

The article about the above videos:

 https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jun/25/michigan-staff-youth-center-charged-death-black-teenager-cornelius-fredericks

My tags were expired by over 2 years once when I was driving my sister-in-law's car (not even my car! I just told the cop it was my boyfriend's sister's car she let me borrow, but had no proof). The cops gave me a warning to pass onto her and didn't ask me to get out of the car at all. This is not the norm for all peoples. Example here:

https://wset.com/news/local/vsp-initiates-criminal-investigation-into-video-taken-during-2019-traffic-stop  

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fox-news-staffers-erupt-over-tucker-carlsons-racism-say-bosses-created-a-white-supremacist-cell 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7wJxZXBxr4 

Protests getting derailed doesn't make the issue less relevant. Don't be distracted by those who undermine the cause:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha-7SETmJD4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_2GoJnuJLQ  

Only partial justice for Breonna Taylor:

https://www.thecut.com/2020/07/breonna-taylor-louisville-shooting-police-what-we-know.html  

Learning to Breathe

It's such a beautiful day. Fall is just starting to set in over the Pacific Northwest. I find I never have enough time in the day to just sit and enjoy the weather. I have the next two days off though and I got a new book from a friend, as well as a short story about one of my favorite game series, and I intend to sit somewhere quiet, with the sounds of the breeze and the peace of the day and just read for at least an hour. Its a very good chance I will read for longer but at least one hour.

I try to evenly spread out my outlets. I like to read and write and draw and game, and sometimes I feel like I need to do those things religiously to be a person who does them or to be any good at it. Like I cant call myself a gamer or an artist if I don't have some schedule or make money with it. But really I'm not any of those things anyway. I am a person/human and those things are my interests, they don't define me and I am not less than if I choose not to pursue them for a while. Now-days I'm trying to remind myself of this and keep mindful of the fact that there is no set standard on creation or relaxation. It's different from person to person and can fluctuate over time. I try not to over do it either. I find if I try to draw a thing once a week that that is healthy for me. If I get really into something and wanna give it another day or two that's fine but if I do too much more then I find myself neglecting other things like sleep and exercise. Its all about balance for me right now. Trying to be aware of what I'm doing, what my soul needs, and how much time and energy I give things. The concept that even though I may want to (or feel like I must) give energy to something-- that doesn't mean I have to or should.

Things like work can be a huge energy suck and its often things that are out of my control. I'm trying to speak up for myself but also be prepared for things to not go how I imagine. Its easy to let coworkers or bosses get on my nerves but it's not helpful. Especially when there is a change in staff in a small company. I find doing my best, and learning what I can, to be helpful for my mental state. I'm also ready for the worst. I'm gonna be looking around and updating my resume and progressing in that sense so that if the worst happens I'm not having to scramble to find a basket for my eggs.

I'm trying to take deeper breaths. Talk less. Let myself be places on time instead of early. Hug my boyfriend longer. Kiss him more often. Forgive myself. Not forget to remember what is important to me and put that first. Resist the urge to judge myself. Remind myself of all the things I do for my loved ones around me. Remember that its OK to be uniquely me.


Mav

My Hashtag

Feels really good to delete my twitter off my phone and not have to worry about it anymore. Feels as good as deleting my Facebook. Both still exist, I just turned all notifications off and deleted the apps. I just dont need that crap in my life. I wanna wake up and just get through my day and come home to my loving partner. I keep my notepad handy and take down notes for my blog now. My goal is to start blogging and creating more again and stop comparing myself or constantly "gathering ideas", which is just another way I judged myself. Basically I got a lot of self hate that I wanna break down. It's gonna get personal up in here.

Day one at work with no twitter was good. Only gets easier after that. I actually feel lighter and less anxious. I feel like I spent so much time looking at what other people were doing and being jealous or astounded or upset that I didnt spend hardly any time with my own organic thoughts. I brought a book to read on my lunch since I wouldn't have my nose in my phone the whole time. I feel like I'm more able to just be concerned with what I want to do instead of what I feel like I'm not getting to do.

Of course I also used twitter as an outlet. I had become increasingly negative in my comments. I was feeling negatively all the time, fueled by my dismay about the world and the actions of the people on it. Much of which makes no sense to me. Frankly, even outside the world at large there is a lot of personal drama spewed on social media. Business bleeds into personal life. Things get sprayed around abstractly in front of friends and strangers alike instead of discussed. But in the end, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself. So I know what my goals are, why am I wasting time comparing them to everyone else's? Just act how you feel people should act and stop fretting over the state of the world at large and whatever impending doom may be. That's what I tried to tell myself before while constantly taking in the judgemental and combative content of social media. Now without Facebook or Twitter in my life I feel like thats actually starting to take shape again for me.

Naturally when I stop expressing myself, suddenly I have all these pithy, funny quips come to mind. I have opinions and I feel more confident and I think to pull out my phone and post and then I dont have that, buy I'm trying to look at it positively. That little thought that was funny or interesting, if its enough of either then I'm at least texting my partner and otherwise its a nugget of happiness just for me. Like, its ok to think things just for myself. To make jokes for myself. I dont HAVE to share my humor with other people to appreciate it. I can appreciate me without anyone elses opinion, good or bad. Then I think, like, "Why wasn't I able to be this funny before?" Well I think its because I was stress. I embodied stress and took on other peoples stress as my own.

Releasing Twitter has been freeing. I was ready to leave the nest, I suppose. I've even put Instagram on the back burner. (Why do we spend so much time perfecting these things while so many other more important things fall through the cracks?) Im really looking forward to regularly blogging again. I think the writing will be good for me. I think the introspection will be good for me. My 30th cycle will be my most present yet. I hope that writing this inspires me and while I'm posting this publicly on the internet, I dont expect any following. If this does reach you, I hope you are inspired too.

Namaste
Mav

Listening to myself

Do you ever think about your voice? About how you sound? Are you a singer? Or a preacher? Do you listen you yourself replayed a lot? Home movies maybe but like current and recent. I couldn't stand listening to myself replayed for a long time because my voice on a recording sounds different to me than I do when I talk in real life. It sounded too weird to me. I dont mind it now. I dont really know what changed it but I hadnt listened to myself in a long time and I just started making instas of me well mostly singing. And I found that I was able to more appreciate my voice. I think I was also jealous of my sister's beautiful voice and afraid my voice wouldn't live up to it.

Also speech is weird. Why is speech ee and peach is ea?

some stuff I had lying around (ramble town)

29 years old now.


I didn't have as much to catch up on as I thought. I've started volunteering at the local zoo.  I love being around all the animals. I've been pretty depressed lately and they uplift me. I'm hoping to get stationed in this self-sufficient building that collects all its own water and shit.  There is also an insect observatory and a bee/hummingbird open garden. I just like being involved in something that matters. Getting kids excited about nature is the best part. I don't love kids. I don't want any of my own. But I love nature and knowing that I am instilling in some small way a wonder and fascination and respect and love of nature is supremely rewarding. It was upsetting to find out that Care.org had sponsored an event to protest our zoo, even though it's one of the best AZA accredited zoos in the nation. They use propaganda to get people to donate more. Using people's love of animals against them. I blocked their ads on Instagram now because I can't really trust the information. How many petitions did I sign that weren't truthful and did naively more harm than good?


Mommy's maybe got
a bit of blessing in her bottle
her teeth are fake
her clothes are worn
she lives in a hovel


I'm sad. My heart mourns.


I don't care for all this man hate recently. I had a friend ask me when I was over at her apartment, "Guys suck right?!" in a way that made it seem like the most acceptable answer was, "Yea!"
I was uncomfortable and I think I awkwardly eeked out a, "yeaaaa" and then felt slimy as she went back to her conversation.
I don't think men suck. I don't think men are trash.  I think saying those kinds of things is exactly why some men end up sucking. We expect it of them.  Many guys that society deems as 'good' get bullied and called, "Pussy!" or "Faggot!" which not only degrades the boy but also degrades women and homosexuals by saying that because of their sexual identity and/or orientation that they are somehow less than a man (which is presumably what the boy is supposed to be). When we say words we write a connectivity pattern in our brain. Every time we repeat words or sets of words we more strongly establish them in our minds. If we constantly tell little boys to, "Toughen up, don't cry. Act like a man, walk it off," when they are legitimately hurt or confused or upset, then we are telling them that we don't care about their emotions and just want to them to be stoic. We are rewriting that pattern over and over and over. The other thing that happens in your brain is that connections you don't use fall into disrepair and aren't strong and are less likely to fire. So when you say, "Guys suck," instead of, "Guys need to change," you are choosing to view the situation negatively and those positive outlooks will start to breakdown, and when something bad happens you may say, "Guys suck," instead of recognizing the individual for his faults but keeping a fair outlook on an entire gender.
Children can only hear this kind of talk from adults. Many of these insults are delivered before or during sexual maturity when nobody has any real clue what's going on. Adults tend to project their experience onto children. [[It could be as offhanded as when you drop your kids friend off at his house and after the door closes you say, "Who was that Mexican kid?" (when that kid was actually Filipino, but your child had never even noticed he was different at all) Or it could be more direct by attaching your own opinions about them based off your experience. Like say you think Christianity is absurd, and there is a cross in the yard and you say, "Religious nut-jobs." As a parent, you are setting a standard to how to view these types of people.]] This type of talk and teaching internalizes a fear of being emotional and a desire to be tough and aggressive to fit into society.  It internalizes an understanding that to be a man, one is better than other kinds of people. It propagates the falsehood that men inherently believe that they are better than others, when really we are the ones who teach each other how to label and view the world. We are living in the era, right now, where we begin to eradicate this type of thinking.
We need to be conscious. Progress does not come lightly. We have an abusive relationship with our own species and our planet. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard; that's why so many people stay in them.  Changing your life and taking responsibility is scary, but most people would agree that you should still leave. We need to end this relationship of hate and abuse and build a new one based on love and support and understanding. Men aren't garbage that needs to be tossed, they need to be allowed to take on a new role within our society.
It's unfair to punish all men with these kinds of blanket statements because hindsight is 20/20. We are lucky to be able to say we live in a time where we can tell a man, "No, let's figure it out together." And we should take advantage of this new found enlightenment to teach new people of the world. Men don't suck, men need to grow and that's okay. We need to let them, instead of making them feel guilty for the last thousand years. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. It does absolutely no good to make negative blanket statements about men. It chooses a side when we should all be on the same side.  We need to believe in each other, not write each other off.


Mav

The First Thing I Remember

Eyes open. Fuzzy.
Feel. Sheets.
Touch body. Naked.
Flashback:  Shoulder kiss. Can't speak. Head heavy. Cant move. Body limp. Need rest. Bacon sizzling."I'm going to go shower." Muffled echoes.

Reality. Running water. Time.
Clothes. Shoes. Purse. Run.
Pounding chest. Street. Stairs.

Home. Vomit in the hallway and toilet.
Change. Clean. Lock the door. Hide.
Tell everyone I have food poisoning.

Premature (stream of consciousness) Destiny 2 Review (oh and like spoilers and shit)

Destiny is so much better sometimes when you can game together because you can help each other do stupid things in the game and comiserate. Im trying to reserve my judgement until at least the first DLC has released but its so cheesy and the story is honestly kind of weak to me. The best parts were when Ikora was being like super real. Everything else just felt forced. I dont know i think it could easily be more rpg but they are so hard fps that there is no room for your character. I dont even feel like my characters are as real in this game. I feel like you get your subclasses fully leveled so quickly thats its all just available to you and there isnt as much development. It really is all about just loot. And i know they talk like youre one of the only guardians left but i also feel like the level of cheese makes that like not even important. Its so cheesy in the parts where its cheesy that when it tries to be serious it feels disingenuous. Im still waiting for the punch line. And we still know barely anything of Zavala. And your ghost talks for you the whole time. Maybe its because youre supposed to be this guardian who already has this working relationship with these people but they dont do enough to really portray that. The cabal struck entirely too quickly in my mind. Like they just all the sudden are able to take the speaker? And who is this speaker? Tell me more about him. Show me his face. Let me immerse myself in the world. Leave tomes in game with lore in them. Make it a map location. In each lost sector with the boss' loot chest also have a book or data byte left behind with info about the cabal and how they were able to overtake what would seemingly be a very powerful machine? surrounded by hundreds of guards for it. They arent running daily ship patrols? You rely solely on these scanning beacons? You deserved to lose the light. Got fucking complacent. Good thing the traveler was able to save itself in a much slower process. There is a rich world here but you arent very good at showing it. Oh and having hawthorne and whats her face say shit like "good vs evil, black hats and white hats, dark and light, it really makes you think" just shut the fuck up. I didnt need you to so blatantly just state that. Duh fucking duh. I think most wars are fought on such beliefs. That they are fighting what they perceive as unworthy or evil. Your story might be better with almost no dialogue at all. Also there are times where banter just seems to go on forever. No wonder these guardians get themselves killed so much with all these voices in their heads making really bad jokes. Im ready for DLC and hope its really good. I really liked the iron lords dlc in the first game and hope there is more of that and i look forward to finding out more about rasputin. I cant say its all awful. The shooting is still pretty smooth and some of the new exotic emotes and shaders are very cool. I hope they do more sparrow races and the holidays are coming and Bungie always does a really good job of being festive which i really enjoy. So play on because youve been warned and sometimes that makes all the difference.


Mav

PS Death to jump puzzles!