Sunday, August 16, 2020

Mama said there'd be days like this...oh wait, no she didn't

I'm sorry, I have to clear some things up. I know that you sent that email with the best of intentions, but I am kind of hurt. I came to you because I wanted support and love.  I, bizarrely, thought you might tell me that you were proud of me. That I've come a long way in life. That it will get easier.  That I'm strong and it will get better. That it just takes time to make close friends.  I didn't want a lecture about what I need to do and how I'm not doing enough. You didn't even ask me any more questions.  I didn't really tell you all that much.  The most I said though that was negative (because I said that I feel things are getting better and I know they are going to be ok) was that I was wanting to make some friends.  I've been here 5 months.  I know I wont have real, close friends yet.  I engage with tons of people everyday.  I am friendly and outgoing, but those aren't tried and true friends.  That's what I'm missing.  I wish you had asked, or even let me say it. 

It hurts again that you mention the military.  When have I ever in the entirety of my life shown any desire whatsoever to go into the military? Much less, I thought I had made my feelings on my friend going into the marines clear.  And I know that he is unhappy.  You don't even think to mention anything else like the wildlife center or volunteering at the zoo or volunteering at a food center, or any of the other many many things I have actually shown interest in.  But you jump to the military.  That rang out "Jim" to me. I do not agree with many many many things about our government and our governments military.  I abhor war and America's self-proclaimed "upholders of peace". If anything, I feel we need massive changes to most policies within government.  Also, I'm not religious.  I feel like it's been obvious for a while now, but I'm going to state it flatly.  I don't believe in god.  I have a general belief that I don't know everything and therefore rule out nothing, and in this instance god remains possible. But mostly, I just believe in being kind and helpful and living in as much harmony as possible.  

I never said I was sad because of money troubles.  AT&T hasn't contacted me.  I thought I had taken care of that bill.  They probably have an outdated phone number. Thank you for paying though, if you do. If you don't, then I will. That's not a problem.  Also, I don't really want money.  I hate money.  I need it as far as I need it, but I want to work towards not needing money at all.  I got my glass straws and I'm cutting out plastic.  I'm eating fresher, more organic, local produce.  And I do have a career in mind. I want to have the bakery/food cart. Now I'm even more excited because the idea is fleshing out and it's a real possibility. I want it to be totally green and local and organic. I've told you this. It's what I really really want to do. I just know it's not going to happen right now.  And even though we struggle, I'm ok waiting for that. And I have wanted this nose ring for at least 5 years.  Just because I don't tell you about when I get all my tattoos and piercings doesn't mean that I get them on a whim.  Most of them included months if not years of consideration.  You think I'm still that little girl.  I'm a woman now, mom. I understand that life isn't always easy. And maybe that's what you really did show me here. That I am all those things I wanted you to see that I was. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Daughtering Out On My Mother

Mothers form a linked arm line between federal troops and protesters (aka their children):

If you think the protesters are only people who break things then you aren't listening. If you are really more concerned about brick and mortar buildings than the lives of people on the street, and cannot support this righteous movement even moderately, then I'm straight disappointed. You talk to me like a child who didn't read the textbook, but this is so much bigger than that. This is the civil rights movement 2.0 (now in a nicer dress). If my passion alone does not spur you to look deeper into the things happening on the street or to question the authority and it's intent, then what good have I been as a daughter? You really don't respect my opinion to so easily dismiss my concerns. How can I possibly hope to connect with you if, on this massive social level, you put people down when I want to lift people up? You start at hate and contempt for the movement before you even truly understand what it's about. You say "they say it's about black lives, but they are destroying black businesses," like all that's been going on is people with BLM signs burning shit down. That's how I can tell you've been listening to one-sided arguments that bash what's happening because detracting from the movement keeps those people in control. I know that the rioting and looting is unhelpful to the movement and I don't partake and I don't encourage, but I don't lose sight of the actual issue like you so readily do. You don't have anything nice to say about it at all. Do you even know any of the names of the people who have been killed by police brutality? Any of the murdered children's names? Why do you think that people on the street are only trying to destroy and you question them, but you trust, without question, the government to use federal, militant troops wielding "less" lethal shotguns, machine guns and shooting tear gas at unarmed civilians? You say, "Well yea the cops need to reform, but protesters are destroying stores," like the cops needing to be reformed is the lesser problem. Buildings can be rebuilt if we work together and lives easily restored, but if we refuse to rebuild our overall system, things will never get better. You have not shown me compassion. You have shown me willfully blind bigotry. I love you as my mother but I'm disgusted by you as a person of the world. If you were here you wouldn't stand in that line of moms for me. At least, from the way you talk, I don't believe for a second that you would. You voted for a man who allowed your trans daughter to lose her right to medical care. You support this man putting up walls and keeping children in jail cells at the border. You stand behind the federal troops and cry over broken concrete. Why should I trust you to help build a world where I am safe? 

You contradict yourself. For example:  During the 2015 election you said you liked Bernie and his ideas but were going to vote for Trump because "Bernie just won't win." You may not remember this but it's burned in my mind because I saw the cape fall from Superman that day and you were lost to me. Is that what democracy has come to for you? Vote for who you think will win and to not vote for who you think wants what is best for the WHOLE country (not your personal pocketbook). You supported Trump and defended his emotionally unstable state as being just an emotional man with uncontrollable urges, instead of questioning whether someone so overtly sexual, defensive and single minded is really fit to be a president. Also, if we allow our president to touch women inappropriately and tear down anyone who questions them, then how can we hold the rest of the population accountable? You can't be mad at Connor for sexually assaulting me in college and be blasé about a president who literally has agreed with people that he is a sexual predator (video below). You are essentially patting Connor on the back for sexually assaulting your daughter when you support Trump. That's how it feels to me. If you don't stand alongside ME and these other people fighting for equality, for true democracy, for the non-sexualization of the female form then what do you even stand for? 

You say "give legislation a chance to work" but the people have been asking for these things for years, decades even. This is a final straw, not the start of the race. With a political system that caters to the wealthy who can afford to buy votes, that actively disables the lower classes with short voter openings, weird locations, midday openings instead of off hours when people are available and a popular vote that means nothing (not to mention a corruption of mass media and a piecemeal dissemination of information that leaves most people extremely ignorant), how can you say let legislation work? It hasn't been working. Don't talk like this just started 3 months ago. This has been years and years in the making, punctuated by the coming into power of the most tyrannical American president to date and his continuing push to isolate and persecute those of different backgrounds and lifestyles.

Friday, July 17, 2020

An open letter to my mom.

I'm not an orator.

But I challenge you to the following:

Attempt to see these people on the street as humans, not just anarchists or rioters. Listen to the protesters, not just the people protesting the protesters. This excessive police force they are being met with in many cases is totally unwarranted. Protest is America. This is why we are America and not still English colonies. Why were they justified and these people aren't? Tell me this doesn't look so eerily the same as civil rights in the 60's. Tell me that tear gas, rubber bullets, pepper bullets and the EL RAD sound cannon aren't similar to or even worse than dogs and water hoses. It's so easy to sit up on our white horse and claim equality when historically BIPOC get paid less, have less societal advantages and suffer greater from prejudices and medical/environmental factors. The protests are about black lives AND they are about police brutality at the same time because the sad fact is that they go hand in hand. I challenge you to see all the grey in this situation and stop looking at protesters as "the other." These are people with families and children too. These are mothers and babies just like those social workers you work with. They want the same freedom of peace to walk past an officer of the law that you and I have. The same access to school and nature and housing that you and I have. And you refusing to understand that that dichotomy exists within our society is the exact problem. 

I challenge you to consider these perspectives below. Even more so, in the future, when you are met with news from one source or another that makes you cringe and wonder why, I encourage you to go and do some research for yourself. Don't automatically believe what's being regurgitated to you by a single resource or a heavily biased resource. Look up other resources and make sure they aren't feeding you half the story. I encourage you to be forgiving and understanding, which I am not seeing in you. And more than anything, I encourage you to have hope. The sheer fact that you don't believe we can even attempt gun control, even just the banning of automatic weapons, shows a total lack of hope in humanity and total lack of faith in people to want to live in a safe world. You think white people are the only ones who want to be safe? You really think black people would be protesting against something that benefits them? You must really think low of them. You must really think them stupid.  You can't say you agree we need police reform but then knock the people protesting for it. Pick a lane, mom! Stop being wishy-washy and make some hard decisions about the world around you. Have a mind of your own and stop just spitting negativity at me. I kept trying to say why I thought the people were protesting on the phone and you just kept going right back around to, "They are breaking stuff." So I'm like they are being ignored, marginalized and wrongfully gunned down on the regular and you're like, "but they're breaking stuff!" And I'm like but they have protested before and been promised change that fell through as soon as they got off the street, and they want to see change this time before backing down and you're still like, "BUT THEY'RE BREAKING STUFF!" Don't talk to me if you're going to refuse to hear me and acknowledge my truth that I speak. You can't say you think the police need reform and then call the people on the streets, that are protesting for just that, rioters and talk as if all they want is destruction. Do you even realize your own contradiction? To me, gaining equality for those who aren't white is worth all the buildings burning. What is it worth to you? Or do you not worry about it because it doesn't directly affect you like it does them?  

Elizabeth Keckley said, "What my people are to be, I can't say. I never heard any ask what freedom will bring. Freedom's first." We have to allow space for equality and all its nasty, scabby, yellow pus drippy healing to take place. There is still a lot of prejudiced hate in this world, lots of open wounds. If we constantly say that we can't do something out of fear of consequences then we will never move forward as a society. If you only focus on the possible negatives of a situation then you will never see the whole puzzle. Instead, think about the benefits that would come from re-allocating the police budget that affords them fancy SUVs and riot gear and EL-RAD cannons and tear gas and redirecting it into better training, better schools, more after school programs, community building and local businesses. Consider instead the benefits of a world where guns are more regulated and not on every officers hip. Even if people get them, it's still illegal and if caught makes it so much easier to prosecute. Not to mention possible delays in activities to wait for things to come in, as you say from over the border, which allows for investigation, research and possible infiltration. Yes bad people will still be bad, but that doesn't mean we have to hand them their weapons legally and open the door for them as they head back out into society. If you say you can't treat an open wound and allow it to fester and become infected, no longer is it just a cut. Now we have to take the arm off or risk losing the whole body. Consider the protests, instead, as people trying to heal this cut in the few ways that they know how. Yes, people want freedom, but freedom is not free. It requires cooperation and understanding and forgiveness and growth and adaptation. Freedom is not a static, stone idea. It is water and is ever changing as we grow and learn as a society. The hope should be to work towards a future where very little law enforcement is needed because we've developed a system that the majority of people agree on. When we don't even have to have a census 51% majority to vote in a president and representatives don't even have to vote along with their people, then I would say we aren't working inside a system we all agree on or even have a say in. This is a breeding ground for contempt and misunderstanding. Have you ever considered the art of negotiation? You always high ball so when you have to compromise you still get a lot of what you need. This is protesting! It's very large scale bartering. Social bartering. Hey we will let you have cops and stop protesting/direct destructing if those cops are trained in a variety of situations that don't vilify the arrested and are trained not to automatically shoot me because I'm resisting arrest or running away. And when cops do shoot people to death, let's have a fair trial and consequences, not desk duty or paid leave. Pretty reasonable I think. Protests will continue, as long as cops are given special treatment and immunity from consequences. They are supposed to first and foremost "Protect and serve" not "subdue and control". 

I love you, but I will no longer suffer how pushy you are with social issues. I specifically asked you NOT to speak to me about politically charged issues when you sent me that incredibly disrespectful Bernie video. Don't ask me my opinion and then try to convince me I'm wrong and refuse to move past property damage. I'm allowed to think for myself. Why am I always the one who has to tell you to back off when we start talking about this kind of stuff? Why do you have to push and push and push? You don't respect me and you don't respect my opinion. If you just wanted to know if I was safe, maybe make note of the fact that I was talking to you: healthy, working and finding a new job.  I'm talking about d&d and my boyfriend and his job and possibly moving. I made no mention of things not going well. If you had considered the words actually coming out of my mouth then you would realize this topic of protesting need not have been brought up at all. But you don't hear me. 

I do believe, however, that you are smarter than this and can be better than this. America has the opportunity to be an example to the world. You may not want to be part of that, but that's part of the responsibility we hold as a superpower. We cannot hold onto outdated notions of selective power and selective equality and hope to survive into the eons of time. We must adapt. Freedom is not free.  

Suggested perspectives for your perusal:

Eugene, Oregon has been doing this for 3 decades. We can all take some notes:



A Q&A with that same person that I thought was really well put together:

https://reason.com/2020/07/15/footage-of-partial-blindings-during-anti-police-brutality-protests-contradicts-cops-reports/








We shouldn't only speak up when it affects us personally: 


The article about the above videos:

My tags were expired by over 2 years once when I was driving my sister-in-law's car (not even my car! I just told the cop it was my boyfriend's sister's car she let me borrow, but had no proof). The cops gave me a warning to pass onto her and didn't ask me to get out of the car at all. This is not the norm for all peoples. Example here:



Protests getting derailed doesn't make the issue less relevant. Don't be distracted by those who undermine the cause:

Only partial justice for Breonna Taylor:

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Learning to Breathe

It's such a beautiful day. Fall is just starting to set in over the Pacific Northwest. I find I never have enough time in the day to just sit and enjoy the weather. I have the next two days off though and I got a new book from a friend, as well as a short story about one of my favorite game series, and I intend to sit somewhere quiet, with the sounds of the breeze and the peace of the day and just read for at least an hour. Its a very good chance I will read for longer but at least one hour.

I try to evenly spread out my outlets. I like to read and write and draw and game, and sometimes I feel like I need to do those things religiously to be a person who does them or to be any good at it. Like I cant call myself a gamer or an artist if I don't have some schedule or make money with it. But really I'm not any of those things anyway. I am a person/human and those things are my interests, they don't define me and I am not less than if I choose not to pursue them for a while. Now-days I'm trying to remind myself of this and keep mindful of the fact that there is no set standard on creation or relaxation. It's different from person to person and can fluctuate over time. I try not to over do it either. I find if I try to draw a thing once a week that that is healthy for me. If I get really into something and wanna give it another day or two that's fine but if I do too much more then I find myself neglecting other things like sleep and exercise. Its all about balance for me right now. Trying to be aware of what I'm doing, what my soul needs, and how much time and energy I give things. The concept that even though I may want to (or feel like I must) give energy to something-- that doesn't mean I have to or should.

Things like work can be a huge energy suck and its often things that are out of my control. I'm trying to speak up for myself but also be prepared for things to not go how I imagine. Its easy to let coworkers or bosses get on my nerves but it's not helpful. Especially when there is a change in staff in a small company. I find doing my best, and learning what I can, to be helpful for my mental state. I'm also ready for the worst. I'm gonna be looking around and updating my resume and progressing in that sense so that if the worst happens I'm not having to scramble to find a basket for my eggs.

I'm trying to take deeper breaths. Talk less. Let myself be places on time instead of early. Hug my boyfriend longer. Kiss him more often. Forgive myself. Not forget to remember what is important to me and put that first. Resist the urge to judge myself. Remind myself of all the things I do for my loved ones around me. Remember that its OK to be uniquely me.


Mav

Thursday, September 12, 2019

My Hashtag

Feels really good to delete my twitter off my phone and not have to worry about it anymore. Feels as good as deleting my Facebook. Both still exist, I just turned all notifications off and deleted the apps. I just dont need that crap in my life. I wanna wake up and just get through my day and come home to my loving partner. I keep my notepad handy and take down notes for my blog now. My goal is to start blogging and creating more again and stop comparing myself or constantly "gathering ideas", which is just another way I judged myself. Basically I got a lot of self hate that I wanna break down. It's gonna get personal up in here.

Day one at work with no twitter was good. Only gets easier after that. I actually feel lighter and less anxious. I feel like I spent so much time looking at what other people were doing and being jealous or astounded or upset that I didnt spend hardly any time with my own organic thoughts. I brought a book to read on my lunch since I wouldn't have my nose in my phone the whole time. I feel like I'm more able to just be concerned with what I want to do instead of what I feel like I'm not getting to do.

Of course I also used twitter as an outlet. I had become increasingly negative in my comments. I was feeling negatively all the time, fueled by my dismay about the world and the actions of the people on it. Much of which makes no sense to me. Frankly, even outside the world at large there is a lot of personal drama spewed on social media. Business bleeds into personal life. Things get sprayed around abstractly in front of friends and strangers alike instead of discussed. But in the end, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself. So I know what my goals are, why am I wasting time comparing them to everyone else's? Just act how you feel people should act and stop fretting over the state of the world at large and whatever impending doom may be. That's what I tried to tell myself before while constantly taking in the judgemental and combative content of social media. Now without Facebook or Twitter in my life I feel like thats actually starting to take shape again for me.

Naturally when I stop expressing myself, suddenly I have all these pithy, funny quips come to mind. I have opinions and I feel more confident and I think to pull out my phone and post and then I dont have that, buy I'm trying to look at it positively. That little thought that was funny or interesting, if its enough of either then I'm at least texting my partner and otherwise its a nugget of happiness just for me. Like, its ok to think things just for myself. To make jokes for myself. I dont HAVE to share my humor with other people to appreciate it. I can appreciate me without anyone elses opinion, good or bad. Then I think, like, "Why wasn't I able to be this funny before?" Well I think its because I was stress. I embodied stress and took on other peoples stress as my own.

Releasing Twitter has been freeing. I was ready to leave the nest, I suppose. I've even put Instagram on the back burner. (Why do we spend so much time perfecting these things while so many other more important things fall through the cracks?) Im really looking forward to regularly blogging again. I think the writing will be good for me. I think the introspection will be good for me. My 30th cycle will be my most present yet. I hope that writing this inspires me and while I'm posting this publicly on the internet, I dont expect any following. If this does reach you, I hope you are inspired too.

Namaste
Mav

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Listening to myself


Do you ever think about your voice? About how you sound? Are you a singer? Or a preacher? Do you listen you yourself replayed a lot? Home movies maybe but like current and recent. I couldn't stand listening to myself replayed for a long time because my voice on a recording sounds different to me than I do when I talk in real life. It sounded too weird to me. I dont mind it now. I dont really know what changed it but I hadnt listened to myself in a long time and I just started making instas of me well mostly singing. And I found that I was able to more appreciate my voice. I think I was also jealous of my sister's beautiful voice and afraid my voice wouldn't live up to it.

Also speech is weird. Why is speech ee and peach is ea?

Friday, November 2, 2018

some stuff I had lying around (ramble town)

29 years old now.


I didn't have as much to catch up on as I thought. I've started volunteering at the local zoo.  I love being around all the animals. I've been pretty depressed lately and they uplift me. I'm hoping to get stationed in this self-sufficient building that collects all its own water and shit.  There is also an insect observatory and a bee/hummingbird open garden. I just like being involved in something that matters. Getting kids excited about nature is the best part. I don't love kids. I don't want any of my own. But I love nature and knowing that I am instilling in some small way a wonder and fascination and respect and love of nature is supremely rewarding. It was upsetting to find out that Care.org had sponsored an event to protest our zoo, even though it's one of the best AZA accredited zoos in the nation. They use propaganda to get people to donate more. Using people's love of animals against them. I blocked their ads on Instagram now because I can't really trust the information. How many petitions did I sign that weren't truthful and did naively more harm than good?


Mommy's maybe got
a bit of blessing in her bottle
her teeth are fake
her clothes are worn
she lives in a hovel


I'm sad. My heart mourns.


I don't care for all this man hate recently. I had a friend ask me when I was over at her apartment, "Guys suck right?!" in a way that made it seem like the most acceptable answer was, "Yea!"
I was uncomfortable and I think I awkwardly eeked out a, "yeaaaa" and then felt slimy as she went back to her conversation.
I don't think men suck. I don't think men are trash.  I think saying those kinds of things is exactly why some men end up sucking. We expect it of them.  Many guys that society deems as 'good' get bullied and called, "Pussy!" or "Faggot!" which not only degrades the boy but also degrades women and homosexuals by saying that because of their sexual identity and/or orientation that they are somehow less than a man (which is presumably what the boy is supposed to be). When we say words we write a connectivity pattern in our brain. Every time we repeat words or sets of words we more strongly establish them in our minds. If we constantly tell little boys to, "Toughen up, don't cry. Act like a man, walk it off," when they are legitimately hurt or confused or upset, then we are telling them that we don't care about their emotions and just want to them to be stoic. We are rewriting that pattern over and over and over. The other thing that happens in your brain is that connections you don't use fall into disrepair and aren't strong and are less likely to fire. So when you say, "Guys suck," instead of, "Guys need to change," you are choosing to view the situation negatively and those positive outlooks will start to breakdown, and when something bad happens you may say, "Guys suck," instead of recognizing the individual for his faults but keeping a fair outlook on an entire gender.
Children can only hear this kind of talk from adults. Many of these insults are delivered before or during sexual maturity when nobody has any real clue what's going on. Adults tend to project their experience onto children. [[It could be as offhanded as when you drop your kids friend off at his house and after the door closes you say, "Who was that Mexican kid?" (when that kid was actually Filipino, but your child had never even noticed he was different at all) Or it could be more direct by attaching your own opinions about them based off your experience. Like say you think Christianity is absurd, and there is a cross in the yard and you say, "Religious nut-jobs." As a parent, you are setting a standard to how to view these types of people.]] This type of talk and teaching internalizes a fear of being emotional and a desire to be tough and aggressive to fit into society.  It internalizes an understanding that to be a man, one is better than other kinds of people. It propagates the falsehood that men inherently believe that they are better than others, when really we are the ones who teach each other how to label and view the world. We are living in the era, right now, where we begin to eradicate this type of thinking.
We need to be conscious. Progress does not come lightly. We have an abusive relationship with our own species and our planet. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard; that's why so many people stay in them.  Changing your life and taking responsibility is scary, but most people would agree that you should still leave. We need to end this relationship of hate and abuse and build a new one based on love and support and understanding. Men aren't garbage that needs to be tossed, they need to be allowed to take on a new role within our society.
It's unfair to punish all men with these kinds of blanket statements because hindsight is 20/20. We are lucky to be able to say we live in a time where we can tell a man, "No, let's figure it out together." And we should take advantage of this new found enlightenment to teach new people of the world. Men don't suck, men need to grow and that's okay. We need to let them, instead of making them feel guilty for the last thousand years. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. It does absolutely no good to make negative blanket statements about men. It chooses a side when we should all be on the same side.  We need to believe in each other, not write each other off.


Mav