Love Over Trauma

Sometimes you'll say things and do things that you don't realize you'll regret for a long time. It'll feel really justified in the moment and right but it's still a reaction and projection of larger issues not dealt with. 

I had a friend, a best friend, a best of best friends in high-school. We didn't go to the same school but we had a lot of church activities we did together. I didn't stay church going while I was in college, but we rekindled our friendship when I came home regardless and spent a lot of time together. She introduced me to a boy, and due to a very bad practical joke this caused some drama with her future Mister. I told myself it was over the line and not okay. I told myself that she had changed if she thought it was funny like he did. But really I think I was projecting my own loss of trust with friends because of a sexual assault I suffered right at the end of my college career. Even that, some days, I wonder about. Was I in the wrong? 

So, my friend and I had a tense and awkward "breakup" where even money was exchanged and I didn't feel like she wanted to know me or care for me and I was almost instantly done because again I had totally unaddressed trauma that I was suppressing and projecting onto this situation. I had become less understanding and forgiving, because the person who assaulted me also was one of my closest friends in college. I didn't even want to act like this college betrayal had affected me. Even when she reached out to me after the loss of a parent, I remained closed off and blocked up and didn't really show love. I wasted the opportunity to rekindle that friendship. I abandoned her.

I look back on so many moments and see now how I didn't see then. I see how I was shallow and vapid and disassociated and willfully ignorant of myself. I actively pushed people away and kept them at arms length because I think somewhere in my subconscious I had convinced myself that friends are not really trustworthy. When I think the reality is actually the opposite. But I didn't uphold my end of the friendship. I didn't stay present and forgiving and understanding and loving. I became cold and hard and distant. Even when I moved out of the area, I had people who wanted to get close to me but I had an almost visceral reaction to the words "best friend." I thought it was just that person who was too intense for me, but really I think I pushed them away because of my unresolved feelings about the best friend I had just recently lost. The words had become tainted to me and people who used them were untrustworthy. When that's not really true.

It's harder for adults to make friends, and I think this is due to trauma. So it's important to maintain those friendships from childhood. Stay open and loving. It took me a long time to even recognize these things about myself. I'm 33 and just now it's clicking in that I haven't been pulling my friendship weight, maybe for my whole life. I do think it boils down to trauma, but I don't see that as an excuse. It's something to be aware of and to combat. Trauma shows itself in so many ways. Sometimes it's really obvious, but sometimes it's really really not. We all have trauma. It's an emotional bellybutton. But it doesn't have to rule you, and if you work to not be reactionary but purposeful and considerate of why you feel certain things then I do think trauma can be, at least, controlled. 

If I have to sum it up, it's straightforward but not simple:  Reach out to those people in your life who you care about. Make an effort because it takes effort. Life and friends and happiness don't just happen to people, they have to be accepted and appreciated and cherished. It's OK to have trauma, in fact it's totally normal and expected because life is hard and confusing, but don't let your trauma push away the love in your life. Because then all you'll have to hold onto is that trauma and trauma doesn't love you. Trauma doesn't make you stronger but love does.

Ancient Peoples Were Modern Peoples

So, I've been really into Buzzfeed's Unsolved series and then the Ghost Files spin-off on Watcher with the same costars (Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej). They look at mysteries of the world, often related to spirits or ghosts, but sometimes aliens. I was watching the episode talking about the ancient Egyptians (Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural S2E3) and Ryan is so certain that aliens had to be involved, or he leans towards alien involvement. One of his main reasons that he believes aliens had to be involved in the building of these great pyramids (specifically the pyramids of Giza) is that he thinks that the math is too advanced for these people to have created them without supernatural help. He thinks knowing pi and being able to make right angles is too much. Shane at one point calls him disrespectful for saying so, and I agree! 

It's really easy to look back on ancient cultures and think we know more than them. We have created a bunch of shortcuts to life that make doing things easier. We also tend to stick to things that work and not change our methods over time unless there is a better way to do it. But we should be careful making these assumptions that ancient peoples weren't as capable as we are today. Many ancient artifacts are made of organic materials. These materials can easily break down over time, or be reconstituted into other things and the information of how they were used throughout their lives is often lost or overshadowed for their final use. We only get a snapshot of history. We are constantly piecing things together. There are multiple ways to solve many problems. We may have a tried and true way of doing things today that wasn't even a concept in the past, but that doesn't mean they didn't want or need to accomplish the same tasks. I have been watching the Hulu series', "Technology That Changed the World/America" (there are like 8 different ones dealing with different things) and it has really made me think about how ideas happen. Usually, we have tasks we already have to do and we want them to be faster or smoother or safer or more productive. And over time and trial and tribulation and failure, sparks of ingenuity happen to make those desires more possible. Oftentimes, at the pressure of the powers that be to do more with less. Just because we use pulleys today, doesn't mean that ancient humans just didn't make things that we would use pulleys for until it was invented. The pulley was invented for a reason, it didn't just spring into existence and now suddenly we are making things that require pulleys. We were making things and then someone thought, "Hey, maybe this would be easier if we wrap the rope we are using around a tree first." Then they used that and then maybe someone thought, "Oh if we wrap the rope between two trees, it's even easier and we can use less men to pull more weight." And they did that and then someone realized, "Man, we don't have many trees where we want to build, what if I cut a couple down that can be ported and used away from the trees?" and boom concept of pulleys is coming around and being developed. It continues to get more finely tuned every time it's used. Same with the wheel. We didn't not haul things around until one day someone said, "Hey, lets use wheels," and suddenly people started hauling things. No, it's much more likely that we hauled things in many different ways and then one day someone thought, "Hey, what if we used this in this way." And since we haven't found anything better than the wheel yet, it still remains. Lets not forget about the dirt ramp method for lifting very heavy objects into an upright position. Dirt ramps can be flattened and essentially erased from existence with almost no evidence left behind. Just because we can't conceive of doing things in a simpler way, doesn't mean that they weren't done. 

Furthermore, it's really easy to assume that ancient peoples didn't use pi because they don't have math books that discuss all their collected mathematical knowledge. But just because they may not have a definition for what they are using doesn't mean they don't use it on some level. We can balance a rock on another rock without being able to explain the physics behind the act. Math is physical. We have mathematical theory today in classrooms where we make up scenarios to answer questions. But ancient math may have been much more tangible and less theoretical for its users. We used gravity and manipulated things with it long before Newton told us what it was. We just didn't know that was why it worked, but we knew that what we did was working. The same is very likely true for ancient civilizations use of advanced mathematical concepts. We knew that the sun gave life before we knew that plant cells break down photons into chlorophyll. So why do ancient Egyptians have to be able to explain pi in order to use it? Does a mollusk need to understand the Fibonacci sequence to build its shell? We need to stay aware of our futuristic privilege and not doubt our ancestors simply because we 'think' we are smarter than them because we have applied labels to many ideas. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it may seem like we are more advanced, but our advancement was built on the ingenuity of those ancient peoples. These techniques were developed over the years much like everything around us today.

Think about how a child learns. The brain of a child is the same brain as an adult in how it processes stimuli. Where they differ is in perspective and experience. Children don't have the experiences to confirm or deny the events they are experiencing, but over time those events compound and their view of the world sharpens. This is the same for ancient peoples. They do not have our perspective, but they process the world in the same way we do. There isn't really any anthropological evidence to say that their brains were much different than ours. They loved, made babies, had families and extended groups, and needed to be safe, warm and fed. They looked up at the stars, played games, were afraid to die and fought to make things better for themselves and their families. Just like us today. So then why do we like to think that they were dumb or less than us? This is our perspective. We tend to dismiss children as dumb, when really they are inexperienced, and we tend to dismiss ancient cultures as dumb simply because they don't have our modern technology. 

It may be needless to say, but I don't believe aliens came down and gave us our technology. I don't think it's unlikely, in the slightest, that ancient peoples could have created these amazing works. They didn't have the same culture that we do so we can't judge it by our modern cultures' standards. It really boils down to perspective. We have it, and we need to make sure we are using it properly. Each day is the height of advancement. The Egyptians were at the top of that chart in their time, but we have become more advanced since. We are at the top today, and one day there will be peoples more advanced than us. Our technology doesn't define how smart our population is, but simply how efficient we are at the time. There will always be ways to advance. That doesn't mean that people who haven't advanced yet are stupid or incapable, just in a different part of the (rat) race of existence. 

Hearsay

She said, "Yea, I don't want to have kids either."
I said, "I always figured if I had a kid that it would be adopted."
"Adopted kids kind of tend to have problems." Her voice hushed.
"Maybe, but leaving them in the system where those problems never get addressed isn't the answer either."
"You're right."

(I wish more people just said, "You're right," when they know it. Respect.)

Mama said there'd be days like this...oh wait, no she didn't

I'm sorry, I have to clear some things up. I know that you sent that email with the best of intentions, but I am kind of hurt. I came to you because I wanted support and love.  I, bizarrely, thought you might tell me that you were proud of me. That I've come a long way in life. That it will get easier.  That I'm strong and it will get better. That it just takes time to make close friends.  I didn't want a lecture about what I need to do and how I'm not doing enough. You didn't even ask me any more questions.  I didn't really tell you all that much.  The most I said though that was negative (because I said that I feel things are getting better and I know they are going to be ok) was that I was wanting to make some friends.  I've been here 5 months.  I know I wont have real, close friends yet.  I engage with tons of people everyday.  I am friendly and outgoing, but those aren't tried and true friends.  That's what I'm missing.  I wish you had asked, or even let me say it. 

It hurts again that you mention the military.  When have I ever in the entirety of my life shown any desire whatsoever to go into the military? Much less, I thought I had made my feelings on my friend going into the marines clear.  And I know that he is unhappy.  You don't even think to mention anything else like the wildlife center or volunteering at the zoo or volunteering at a food center, or any of the other many many things I have actually shown interest in.  But you jump to the military.  That rang out "Jim" to me. I do not agree with many many many things about our government and our governments military.  I abhor war and America's self-proclaimed "upholders of peace". If anything, I feel we need massive changes to most policies within government.  Also, I'm not religious.  I feel like it's been obvious for a while now, but I'm going to state it flatly.  I don't believe in god.  I have a general belief that I don't know everything and therefore rule out nothing, and in this instance god remains possible. But mostly, I just believe in being kind and helpful and living in as much harmony as possible.  

I never said I was sad because of money troubles.  AT&T hasn't contacted me.  I thought I had taken care of that bill.  They probably have an outdated phone number. Thank you for paying though, if you do. If you don't, then I will. That's not a problem.  Also, I don't really want money.  I hate money.  I need it as far as I need it, but I want to work towards not needing money at all.  I got my glass straws and I'm cutting out plastic.  I'm eating fresher, more organic, local produce.  And I do have a career in mind. I want to have the bakery/food cart. Now I'm even more excited because the idea is fleshing out and it's a real possibility. I want it to be totally green and local and organic. I've told you this. It's what I really really want to do. I just know it's not going to happen right now.  And even though we struggle, I'm ok waiting for that. And I have wanted this nose ring for at least 5 years.  Just because I don't tell you about when I get all my tattoos and piercings doesn't mean that I get them on a whim.  Most of them included months if not years of consideration.  You think I'm still that little girl.  I'm a woman now, mom. I understand that life isn't always easy. And maybe that's what you really did show me here. That I am all those things I wanted you to see that I was. 

Daughtering Out On My Mother

Mothers form a linked arm line between federal troops and protesters (aka their children):

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8547583/amp/Trumps-troops-vs-Portlands-moms-Parents-join-55th-day-protests-city.html 

If you think the protesters are only people who break things then you aren't listening. If you are really more concerned about brick and mortar buildings than the lives of people on the street, and cannot support this righteous movement even moderately, then I'm straight disappointed. You talk to me like a child who didn't read the textbook, but this is so much bigger than that. This is the civil rights movement 2.0 (now in a nicer dress). If my passion alone does not spur you to look deeper into the things happening on the street or to question the authority and it's intent, then what good have I been as a daughter? You really don't respect my opinion to so easily dismiss my concerns. How can I possibly hope to connect with you if, on this massive social level, you put people down when I want to lift people up? You start at hate and contempt for the movement before you even truly understand what it's about. You say "they say it's about black lives, but they are destroying black businesses," like all that's been going on is people with BLM signs burning shit down. That's how I can tell you've been listening to one-sided arguments that bash what's happening because detracting from the movement keeps those people in control. I know that the rioting and looting is unhelpful to the movement and I don't partake and I don't encourage, but I don't lose sight of the actual issue like you so readily do. You don't have anything nice to say about it at all. Do you even know any of the names of the people who have been killed by police brutality? Any of the murdered children's names? Why do you think that people on the street are only trying to destroy and you question them, but you trust, without question, the government to use federal, militant troops wielding "less" lethal shotguns, machine guns and shooting tear gas at unarmed civilians? You say, "Well yea the cops need to reform, but protesters are destroying stores," like the cops needing to be reformed is the lesser problem. Buildings can be rebuilt if we work together and lives easily restored, but if we refuse to rebuild our overall system, things will never get better. You have not shown me compassion. You have shown me willfully blind bigotry. I love you as my mother but I'm disgusted by you as a person of the world. If you were here you wouldn't stand in that line of moms for me. At least, from the way you talk, I don't believe for a second that you would. You voted for a man who allowed your trans daughter to lose her right to medical care. You support this man putting up walls and keeping children in jail cells at the border. You stand behind the federal troops and cry over broken concrete. Why should I trust you to help build a world where I am safe? 

You contradict yourself. For example:  During the 2015 election you said you liked Bernie and his ideas but were going to vote for Trump because "Bernie just won't win." You may not remember this but it's burned in my mind because I saw the cape fall from Superman that day and you were lost to me. Is that what democracy has come to for you? Vote for who you think will win and to not vote for who you think wants what is best for the WHOLE country (not your personal pocketbook). You supported Trump and defended his emotionally unstable state as being just an emotional man with uncontrollable urges, instead of questioning whether someone so overtly sexual, defensive and single minded is really fit to be a president. Also, if we allow our president to touch women inappropriately and tear down anyone who questions them, then how can we hold the rest of the population accountable? You can't be mad at Connor for sexually assaulting me in college and be blasé about a president who literally has agreed with people that he is a sexual predator (video below). You are essentially patting Connor on the back for sexually assaulting your daughter when you support Trump. That's how it feels to me. If you don't stand alongside ME and these other people fighting for equality, for true democracy, for the non-sexualization of the female form then what do you even stand for? 

You say "give legislation a chance to work" but the people have been asking for these things for years, decades even. This is a final straw, not the start of the race. With a political system that caters to the wealthy who can afford to buy votes, that actively disables the lower classes with short voter openings, weird locations, midday openings instead of off hours when people are available and a popular vote that means nothing (not to mention a corruption of mass media and a piecemeal dissemination of information that leaves most people extremely ignorant), how can you say let legislation work? It hasn't been working. Don't talk like this just started 3 months ago. This has been years and years in the making, punctuated by the coming into power of the most tyrannical American president to date and his continuing push to isolate and persecute those of different backgrounds and lifestyles.

An open letter to my mom.

I'm not an orator.

But I challenge you to the following:

Attempt to see these people on the street as humans, not just anarchists or rioters. Listen to the protesters, not just the people protesting the protesters. This excessive police force they are being met with in many cases is totally unwarranted. Protest is America. This is why we are America and not still English colonies. Why were they justified and these people aren't? Tell me this doesn't look so eerily the same as civil rights in the 60's. Tell me that tear gas, rubber bullets, pepper bullets and the EL RAD sound cannon aren't similar to or even worse than dogs and water hoses. It's so easy to sit up on our white horse and claim equality when historically BIPOC get paid less, have less societal advantages and suffer greater from prejudices and medical/environmental factors. The protests are about black lives AND they are about police brutality at the same time because the sad fact is that they go hand in hand. I challenge you to see all the grey in this situation and stop looking at protesters as "the other." These are people with families and children too. These are mothers and babies just like those social workers you work with. They want the same freedom of peace to walk past an officer of the law that you and I have. The same access to school and nature and housing that you and I have. And you refusing to understand that that dichotomy exists within our society is the exact problem. 

I challenge you to consider these perspectives below. Even more so, in the future, when you are met with news from one source or another that makes you cringe and wonder why, I encourage you to go and do some research for yourself. Don't automatically believe what's being regurgitated to you by a single resource or a heavily biased resource. Look up other resources and make sure they aren't feeding you half the story. I encourage you to be forgiving and understanding, which I am not seeing in you. And more than anything, I encourage you to have hope. The sheer fact that you don't believe we can even attempt gun control, even just the banning of automatic weapons, shows a total lack of hope in humanity and total lack of faith in people to want to live in a safe world. You think white people are the only ones who want to be safe? You really think black people would be protesting against something that benefits them? You must really think low of them. You must really think them stupid.  You can't say you agree we need police reform but then knock the people protesting for it. Pick a lane, mom! Stop being wishy-washy and make some hard decisions about the world around you. Have a mind of your own and stop just spitting negativity at me. I kept trying to say why I thought the people were protesting on the phone and you just kept going right back around to, "They are breaking stuff." So I'm like they are being ignored, marginalized and wrongfully gunned down on the regular and you're like, "but they're breaking stuff!" And I'm like but they have protested before and been promised change that fell through as soon as they got off the street, and they want to see change this time before backing down and you're still like, "BUT THEY'RE BREAKING STUFF!" Don't talk to me if you're going to refuse to hear me and acknowledge my truth that I speak. You can't say you think the police need reform and then call the people on the streets, that are protesting for just that, rioters and talk as if all they want is destruction. Do you even realize your own contradiction? To me, gaining equality for those who aren't white is worth all the buildings burning. What is it worth to you? Or do you not worry about it because it doesn't directly affect you like it does them?  

Elizabeth Keckley said, "What my people are to be, I can't say. I never heard any ask what freedom will bring. Freedom's first." We have to allow space for equality and all its nasty, scabby, yellow pus drippy healing to take place. There is still a lot of prejudiced hate in this world, lots of open wounds. If we constantly say that we can't do something out of fear of consequences then we will never move forward as a society. If you only focus on the possible negatives of a situation then you will never see the whole puzzle. Instead, think about the benefits that would come from re-allocating the police budget that affords them fancy SUVs and riot gear and EL-RAD cannons and tear gas and redirecting it into better training, better schools, more after school programs, community building and local businesses. Consider instead the benefits of a world where guns are more regulated and not on every officers hip. Even if people get them, it's still illegal and if caught makes it so much easier to prosecute. Not to mention possible delays in activities to wait for things to come in, as you say from over the border, which allows for investigation, research and possible infiltration. Yes bad people will still be bad, but that doesn't mean we have to hand them their weapons legally and open the door for them as they head back out into society. If you say you can't treat an open wound and allow it to fester and become infected, no longer is it just a cut. Now we have to take the arm off or risk losing the whole body. Consider the protests, instead, as people trying to heal this cut in the few ways that they know how. Yes, people want freedom, but freedom is not free. It requires cooperation and understanding and forgiveness and growth and adaptation. Freedom is not a static, stone idea. It is water and is ever changing as we grow and learn as a society. The hope should be to work towards a future where very little law enforcement is needed because we've developed a system that the majority of people agree on. When we don't even have to have a census 51% majority to vote in a president and representatives don't even have to vote along with their people, then I would say we aren't working inside a system we all agree on or even have a say in. This is a breeding ground for contempt and misunderstanding. Have you ever considered the art of negotiation? You always high ball so when you have to compromise you still get a lot of what you need. This is protesting! It's very large scale bartering. Social bartering. Hey we will let you have cops and stop protesting/direct destructing if those cops are trained in a variety of situations that don't vilify the arrested and are trained not to automatically shoot me because I'm resisting arrest or running away. And when cops do shoot people to death, let's have a fair trial and consequences, not desk duty or paid leave. Pretty reasonable I think. Protests will continue, as long as cops are given special treatment and immunity from consequences. They are supposed to first and foremost "Protect and serve" not "subdue and control". 

I love you, but I will no longer suffer how pushy you are with social issues. I specifically asked you NOT to speak to me about politically charged issues when you sent me that incredibly disrespectful Bernie video. Don't ask me my opinion and then try to convince me I'm wrong and refuse to move past property damage. I'm allowed to think for myself. Why am I always the one who has to tell you to back off when we start talking about this kind of stuff? Why do you have to push and push and push? You don't respect me and you don't respect my opinion. If you just wanted to know if I was safe, maybe make note of the fact that I was talking to you: healthy, working and finding a new job.  I'm talking about d&d and my boyfriend and his job and possibly moving. I made no mention of things not going well. If you had considered the words actually coming out of my mouth then you would realize this topic of protesting need not have been brought up at all. But you don't hear me. 

I do believe, however, that you are smarter than this and can be better than this. America has the opportunity to be an example to the world. You may not want to be part of that, but that's part of the responsibility we hold as a superpower. We cannot hold onto outdated notions of selective power and selective equality and hope to survive into the eons of time. We must adapt. Freedom is not free.  

Suggested perspectives for your perusal:

Eugene, Oregon has been doing this for 3 decades. We can all take some notes:

https://www.usnews.com/news/cities/articles/2020-07-06/eugene-oregons-30-year-experiment-with-reimagining-public-safety  

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/health-expert-police-violence-against-black-people-is-a-pandemic/#app

https://www.vogue.com/article/why-every-environmentalist-should-be-anti-racist

A Q&A with that same person that I thought was really well put together:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CCEpvSHJBa1/?igshid=yu9n9vuqw9gr

https://reason.com/2020/07/15/footage-of-partial-blindings-during-anti-police-brutality-protests-contradicts-cops-reports/

https://www.adn.com/nation-world/2020/06/11/trump-administration-wont-say-who-got-511-billion-in-taxpayer-backed-coronavirus-loans/

https://twitter.com/KingBach/status/1281076008364343296?s=09

https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/06/17/police-targeting-street-medics-us-protests#

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jun/06/police-violence-protests-us-george-floyd

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/04/08/five-facts-about-fox-news/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-antifa_n_5f11d304e4b00b6e553c080f?ncid=engmodushpmg00000004&amp=1  

https://twitter.com/i/events/1284112421725110274  

We shouldn't only speak up when it affects us personally: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcridvxfLBo  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atOLXyVeIh8 (partial video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoHNqpw1oas  (full video) 

The article about the above videos:

 https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jun/25/michigan-staff-youth-center-charged-death-black-teenager-cornelius-fredericks

My tags were expired by over 2 years once when I was driving my sister-in-law's car (not even my car! I just told the cop it was my boyfriend's sister's car she let me borrow, but had no proof). The cops gave me a warning to pass onto her and didn't ask me to get out of the car at all. This is not the norm for all peoples. Example here:

https://wset.com/news/local/vsp-initiates-criminal-investigation-into-video-taken-during-2019-traffic-stop  

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fox-news-staffers-erupt-over-tucker-carlsons-racism-say-bosses-created-a-white-supremacist-cell 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7wJxZXBxr4 

Protests getting derailed doesn't make the issue less relevant. Don't be distracted by those who undermine the cause:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha-7SETmJD4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_2GoJnuJLQ  

Only partial justice for Breonna Taylor:

https://www.thecut.com/2020/07/breonna-taylor-louisville-shooting-police-what-we-know.html  

Learning to Breathe

It's such a beautiful day. Fall is just starting to set in over the Pacific Northwest. I find I never have enough time in the day to just sit and enjoy the weather. I have the next two days off though and I got a new book from a friend, as well as a short story about one of my favorite game series, and I intend to sit somewhere quiet, with the sounds of the breeze and the peace of the day and just read for at least an hour. Its a very good chance I will read for longer but at least one hour.

I try to evenly spread out my outlets. I like to read and write and draw and game, and sometimes I feel like I need to do those things religiously to be a person who does them or to be any good at it. Like I cant call myself a gamer or an artist if I don't have some schedule or make money with it. But really I'm not any of those things anyway. I am a person/human and those things are my interests, they don't define me and I am not less than if I choose not to pursue them for a while. Now-days I'm trying to remind myself of this and keep mindful of the fact that there is no set standard on creation or relaxation. It's different from person to person and can fluctuate over time. I try not to over do it either. I find if I try to draw a thing once a week that that is healthy for me. If I get really into something and wanna give it another day or two that's fine but if I do too much more then I find myself neglecting other things like sleep and exercise. Its all about balance for me right now. Trying to be aware of what I'm doing, what my soul needs, and how much time and energy I give things. The concept that even though I may want to (or feel like I must) give energy to something-- that doesn't mean I have to or should.

Things like work can be a huge energy suck and its often things that are out of my control. I'm trying to speak up for myself but also be prepared for things to not go how I imagine. Its easy to let coworkers or bosses get on my nerves but it's not helpful. Especially when there is a change in staff in a small company. I find doing my best, and learning what I can, to be helpful for my mental state. I'm also ready for the worst. I'm gonna be looking around and updating my resume and progressing in that sense so that if the worst happens I'm not having to scramble to find a basket for my eggs.

I'm trying to take deeper breaths. Talk less. Let myself be places on time instead of early. Hug my boyfriend longer. Kiss him more often. Forgive myself. Not forget to remember what is important to me and put that first. Resist the urge to judge myself. Remind myself of all the things I do for my loved ones around me. Remember that its OK to be uniquely me.


Mav