I guess it's that time of night. Exactly 12:09 am. I know I promised everyone a good post after my "family" encounter. I guess I've been avoiding it because the picnic didn't really go like I thought it would. My mom is...different. She is a very intelligent worldly woman and ever since she has been with this man she is flighty and ditsy and stupid. She spends a lot of time with him and his family. Which I'm not surprised she spends a lot of time with him, but they always go to church together and go to the lake because they all live close. I barely talk to mom and we see her once a month and now it's always with him. She's just not mom anymore. She doesn't do any of the stuff she used to do. She likes to travel and he says that she can go travel with her friends whenever she wants, but if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone shouldn't you want to do those kind of things with your significant other? That's what I would want. When I find someone who I want to be with forever then I plan to share my whole life with them. He also said a really dick thing to one of my brothers. He is walking mom down the isle and the other is singing a song and I am reading a poem. So he says to my brother. "I'm pretty sure she can walk on her own but the other two are necessary", I wanted to punch him in the face. Me and my brothers are tight. We used to be four people that were really close, now we are just three. I've lost my dad, now my mom is slipping away.
We were sitting there and I had nothing to say to these people. They didn't care about anything we had done. I didn't get one question. I mentioned my travels and they didn't say one word to me about it. My mom gave me this look at one point. The look said two things. It said, "I really want you to say something to try and get to know these people," and, "I know you have nothing to say to them, because you are different from each other." It was the strangest look.
On the ride home my brothers and I talked about how we didn't like him and wouldn't ever consider him part of the family and then for the rest of the trip we pretty much sat in silence.
So I fell asleep meditating and had a strange dream.
So I was this girl. My own age. Tall and slender but with very short pixie hair and I was riding with my family to vacation. We get to this place with a hotel and I'm with my mom, dad, brother and sister. I am the oldest. And we are there for two days. Nothing interesting happens except at one point my brother asks me something about our dad and I refer to him as your dad like I know he isn't mine, like I'm not even really related to this person, but when we pack to leave I forget something inside. I go back to our little cabin motel room and I find this key. I go back out and there is a woman in the kitchen floor and I said, "I found something," and she says, "Who the fuck are you?" It's not my mom like I thought it was. I run outside and I see my family driving back. My parents had left forgetting all the kids and the other two jump in and I walk to the car and the mom says, "If you weren't my daughter, I'd have left you." There was something of importance to do back home. I don't get in the car fast enough and they drive away and the mom is waving out the back and yelling at the dad like she is saying 'you snooze you lose.' So I start to walk home. And I look in my back pocket and I have two credit cards. One is for hotels and the other is for everything else. I comment to myself on how lucky I am. It's all I have on me, no phone or anything. I have a montage of travel scenes, like riding taxis and walking past stuff and I get to this town. A town where a serial killer has been on the loose killing young women. We passed through it on our way to vacation. I am walking down this passway with stairs at the end and it's cobblestone. There is this guy maybe a couple years older than me walking towards me down the stairs. (He looks a lot like a really young Matthew McConaughey) and he has his nose in a news paper flipping through it and when we pass he doesn't look up but says, "You look nice, hi," and I say, "hi," and keep walking. He walks a little but then turns to follow me. I got to the top of the stairs and realize I've been walking in circles and don't know where the bus station is. He comes up beside me and starts talking but I'm not really listening and I start to follow him and he is talking about the cruelty the girls that were killed must have suffered and how it didn't sit well with him and he didn't want to leave me alone walking around and we sit on this street corner. It's beautiful. The sun had set but the horizon was still light blue and it was at this intersection and down the left was a large sloping hill. I was in the middle of the city, but down a little side street I guess. This guy breaks a cig in half to share with me and I remember my mom saying men used to do that to be polite and be nice and take the smaller end and he accidentally drops his half and picks it up muttering annoyance at the thing and across the street is this restaurant. It's like a little greasy walk up and get food place. It's got a Hispanic man and woman who looks like his mom working it and they are dancing to the music and having a great time and I found myself being pulled into this lull. The guy was talking and I was listening to the restaurant and I felt heavy. Leaning into this guy. Fighting to keep my head off his shoulder and he says, "A bit of the local color across the street," and he laughs and it's nice. I say, "It smells good," and he says, "yea, it's always hot with a smile." Then I'm in the restaurant and they are hosing out the back and I hear a male Hispanic voice say, "My mother and I never thought we were immigrants until we found that key," and a male hand picks up a key from the runoff and it looks just like the one I found. Then I woke up.
I'm going to start meditating like this more often. Maybe I'll start understanding my dreams better.
It's as god, in a fit of disgust, has decided to wipe us all out.
Creep by Stone Temple Pilots
Musingly,
Mav
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